GeniesLoki

I've noticed that when I get high I tend to frequently have unpleasant emotions surface that I don't usually feel or think about nearly as strongly and it only just occurred to me to wonder if that was normal and why it happens Am I repressing these things usually?

For example, I sometimes find myself REALLY missing and longing for exes, or intense guilt related to the impact I might have had on their life But when sober I accept things the way they are and don't feel those things nearly as intensely

One of my self-management coping strategies when I get into those spaces is that sober-me doesn't worry about those things and this seems to help a little But I wonder if those emotions are more "real" or not than sober self since I'm in a less-controlled state

How would I know? And what should I do? Mostly I want this to not happen when I get high because it's really unpleasant to be in these states

An example of this is last night when I was a little high I was feeling REALLY lonely and missing my ex-husband's presence It was so hard not to text him and I didn't feel like I had anyone I could reach out to about it But I knew that would be bad for both of us

And not what I really want (I think--seems more like missing familiar comfort than real intention) I don't know how to avoid this happening

It was so intense I was briefly entertaining a fantasy of going back to Portland just to be near him and begging him to be friends with me again even if we can't be romantic partners... But I KNOW this is not a good idea and bad for both of our ability to move forward

How to integrate these things?