GeniesLoki

...so I ignore the concern or talk past it. Besides - it implies that *I* am hurting or bothering someone! That's not like me!"

The fights lately are tinged with an air of desperation for me... I don't even get my newly (tbh not that new; been in this habit for years) articulated thoughts acknowledged, so I tend to press on. It hurts us both. Makes me want to go back in my emotional shell; I sometimes do.

idk what I'm looking for. I'm not sure there are articles/books/insights to be processed that are going to make the direction of my next steps clear. But I feel very very stuck uwu. If you've got literally ANY pointers I am figuratively a body composed entirely of ears!!!

I've got a lot out of the "therapist uncensored" podcast discussing relationships relationships. I'd struggle to refind it but there's a good distinction made between criticising and complaining. Former is "I want you to behave differently" latter is "here is how this affects me"

I don't know if there's a way to frame it to make it sound more like complaining and less like criticising but perhaps you could talk about the distinction with your partner separately from any given complaint and that would help?

For me at least my relationships tend to have fairly explicitly discussed terms of "talking about feelings is good in and of itself and is not a request for the other party to change their behaviour, only information being provided"

And uh I can't promise this norm will help, but I think either this norm will help or your relationship can't be one in which it's safe to discuss your feelings.

Okay, yes. I think this is worth normalizing or emphasizing more. "I feel" statements almost seem like a marriage counselling trope. This frame, this route you've sketched to get there, makes a case that they're indispensable