Theory: Contrary to a literal reading, the harem fantasy is not about sex, but is instead a male fantasy of having more than one person you're allowed to be emotionally intimate with without having to give up a performance of masculinity that denies the need for that.
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The thing I don't get about some books involving harems (and I mean harems, not love dodecahedrons Ranma-style) is that the story is always focused on the next woman/man and the previous ones get forgotten. If you're going to forget about the rest, what's the point of the harem?
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I mean, if the numbers are small there are interesting non-porn stories that could be told about poly relationships, but when it becomes a numbers game, it's not interesting or sexy, it's *boring*.
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OK, when I think of books in that actual genre, I see what you mean and I think you have a point. The ones I've seen often have been more "mix of characters" than "interchangeable hot companions"
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I think a surprisingly large number of instances of the harem trope in fiction have little explicit content though.