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There's a particularly unpleasant experience that it seems like most people who are (cis?) male feminist nerds have at least some of, which is that they've internalised the idea that their being attracted to women is in some sense morally bad.
Combination of growing up in an environment where "X is attracted to a girl!!!" is treated as a hilarious subject of bullying plus a lot of feminism acquired as an adult telling them that it's almost impossible to hit on women without being an oppressor.
The reality is that being attracted to people is good and honestly it's not that hard to ethically hit on someone, but this can be a hard message to internalise.
(This isn't a feeling that just affects men, there just seems to be this specific combination that leads to it reliably)
It's pernicious. I do not know if it's possible for male feminist nerds to escape this without losing feminism (as an ideology).
I think it's possible, it's just fucking hard work because it requires you to: 1. Adopt an ideology that integrates feminism into a proper understanding of the male experience. 2. Get good at working with your emotions and dealing with clashes between explicit belief and feeling
FWIW I’m not at all that type but I still feel underlying weirdness in this regard.
Yeah, it's definitely not a feeling that is unique to this group, it's just distinctively endemic within this group.
It was such a relief when I found out other people also felt this way (scott aaronson being the most famous example) It's still painful to think that there's no way to show attraction which isn't going to make some women uncomfortable, but the alternative is not dating at all.
Reading "Conflict is not Abuse" was such a relief for me because it helped me realise that sometimes you're going to make other people uncomfortable and that's basically fine. Discomfort is not harm, and there's no intrinsic right to have your comfort preserved.
Yeah, I remember the Scott Aaronson saga, it's definitely a large part of my evidence base for the ubiquity of this problem.
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