What if the reason why women do most of the emotional labour is that we don't count it as emotional labour when men do it? (I was surprisingly reluctant to tweet this even on alt)
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For a lot of people, this is an every day occurrence! e.g. I know a number of het couples where the woman has ADHD (or similar executive function issues) and so Being The Calm One is an ongoing part of the man's role in the relationship.
But yes I agree in general that male emotional labour is more situational responses and women's tends to be more of an ongoing thing. I think that's a gender coded split across a lot of things though (e.g. it's true for gender coded jobs as well)
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In general having to be always prepared to be able to deal with an unpredictable workload is actually pretty exhausting even when nothing goes wrong though.
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The safety one is also an example of an ongoing thing - I've heard from a lot of men about how much effort they put in to seem unthreatening in public. There's a lot of invisible emotional labour in perception management.
End of conversation
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