As many of you know, I was at Knotts Berry Farm for their Boysenberry Festival. They have boysenberry jelly beans I like usually, but they were sold out. So I looked on Amazon just now. Just now. Good lord, just now. 2/
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I have already had one boysenberry nightmare recently. I am not sure my psyche is recovered enough for what was revealed by my innocent search for berry-flavored treats. 3/
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God help me, this is the third thing that came up, page one of search results, for "BOYSENBERRY JELLY BEANS." I would say prepare yourself, but there's no preparing for the unholy. 4/
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My brothers and sisters. That's not all. This was the photo caption. 7/
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"Jiahonghome Toilet seat Whole Wheat Belgium Waffle Topped with Boysenberry Syrup Whipped Cream Suit for The Toilet $27.99 $27 . 99 $5.98 shipping" 8/
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I am now going to repeat three GENUINE EXCERPTS from the description. These are REAL. "soft touch, warm, no ball, no instantaneous temperature difference, warm and comfortable Contact with buttocks, no skin irritation ." 10/
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"The mat is abrasion resistant, dirt resistant, easy to clean, non-slip, and has a soft foot feel " WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS A SOFT FOOT FEEL AND WHY IS IT ON THE TOILET 11/
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This is the one that will haunt me. "Avoid direct skin contact with the toilet seat surface to prevent bacterial infection. " AVOID DIRECT SKIN CONTACT WITH THE TOILET SEAT. 12/
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And just to repeat my most curious bit... "Suitable Uses: bathroom toilet etc " WHAT IS THE "ETC" HERE. 13/
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Seriously. Say you're sick, you're nauseous. You ate bad jalapeenos. Is THIS GODDAMN 7TH LEVEL OF HELL TOILET TORTURE NIGHTMARE THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO SEE BEFORE YOU DIE? 14/pic.twitter.com/KCs9PGFzgc
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I'm sorry. I'm going to need some time alone away from a world that has this kind of soft foot feel. Boysenberries, all I did was love you? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LET ME DOWN SO BAD? end forever/
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PS. I just realized what would happen if you looked down there just before flushing. You would never eat or poop again.
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