Safe Stayer

@GYMRA_NT

I make jokes on here but I play drums for a living, which isn’t a joke but in a way it’s my best joke.

New York, NY
Beigetreten Februar 2015

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  1. vor 5 Stunden

    ME [At the altar about to marry my fiancé]: so like what are we

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  2. 26. Apr.

    Street fights these days are just drunks & poor people tackling each other. I miss the days when guys would snort a line of cocaine, run a hand through their slick back Wall Street haircut, pull out a beautiful dagger and say “let’s dance mother fucker”

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  3. 26. Apr.

    Love how Waze tells you where the cops are so I can pull over and thank them for their service

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  4. 25. Apr.

    When I was poor, people told me I wouldn’t have to shoplift Sun Ships for every meal if I could just get my shit together and start earning a real living. Well they were right. Now I do it for the thrill of the chase, baby!

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  5. 25. Apr.

    FB people are so worried about what people think of their gross online personas that we are just 10 short years away from an All Likes Matter campaign

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  6. 25. Apr.

    Imagine being at a party in the early 1950s and just losing your shit, like fucken raging, to “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window.”

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  7. 24. Apr.

    Whew! Check out this great run I did today!

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  8. 23. Apr.

    I get a text message saying “hey you disappeared lol, where’d you go?” I remove my hands from my face. The Trump boys are shocked but relieved. This game of peekaboo is over

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  9. 23. Apr.

    I don’t know why joke writers gave FuckJerry such a hard time when all he was doing was copying the basic structure of other people’s jokes and also all the words in exact order

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  10. 22. Apr.

    Every time I lift my son up onto the changing station to replace his dirty diaper, I wonder how different things would be had I potty trained him decades ago when he was a child

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  11. 22. Apr.

    Once, I was pulling into a Hilton parking lot and saw a woman walking out of the hotel barefoot and I locked my car doors

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  12. 21. Apr.

    The only anti abortion argument I’d support is that humans don’t become insufferable pieces of shit till age 2 which means fetuses might actually be pretty chill so I suggest we raise the abortion age to 2

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  13. 21. Apr.

    If you pluralize “Happy Birthday” making it “Happy Birthdays” you only have to celebrate someone’s bday once in their life. The only people not on board with this are my children

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  14. 21. Apr.

    Looking for crimes in the Mueller report at this point is the politics version of going through your girl’s phone searching for an excuse to break up with her because walking in on her yelling the N word while she stabbed your grandma was somehow not bad enough

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  15. 21. Apr.

    Look if I wanted your opinion on my wand and why I brought it to the first date I would’ve said “ASSIO OPIN—“ *random cop just shoots me to death*

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  16. 21. Apr.

    “Don’t you fucking dare embarrass me right now,” I whisper to my cup of gas station coffee as I walk by a Starbucks

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  17. 21. Apr.

    “lol let’s say he came back to life🤣” “lmao dude no one’s gonna believe that you bitch. You little bitch. The only folks who’d buy that are those weirdos who always need some deep, grandiose explanation about why they shouldn’t be asshol—fucken hell you’re brilliant.”

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  18. 21. Apr.

    Public Eager For Area Man’s Facebook Statement Regarding Elections, Thinks Area Man

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  19. 21. Apr.

    I just ignored a headline that said “Over 200 dead...” to open the weather app

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  20. 21. Apr.

    🎶 And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad Somewhere an Easter sermon Is lead by a priest named Chad I find it hard to tell you ‘cause he wears Axe Body Spray He Facebook Live’d a funeral it’s a very, very Chad world Chad world 🎶

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