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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    7. stu 2019.

    The best part about dating in your 40s is how much wine I get to drink while crying.

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  2. prije 7 minuta

    So just screwed me big time. No way to contact customer service directly that I can tell. Driver didn’t deliver and left with my order. Now i am hamgry and out $$$

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    I'll be 50 in a few years. I can't wait to grow into my Super Bowl halftime show body.

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 21 sat

    I don’t know who needs to hear this but JLo’s entire life is dedicated to being in insane shape. Kudos to her but it’s not healthy for everyday people to compare themselves to someone with such an unrealistic lifestyle. Cut yourself some slack.

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 10 sati

    From wikipedia: Australia is the oldest,flattest and driest inhabited continent, with the least fertile soils. But on the plus side, all the animals will try and kill you

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  6. prije 11 sati

    Do I pretend I watched the Super Bowl to fit in with the cool kids at work, or avoid water coolers and lunch tables all week?

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    All husbands are in trouble after that Super Bowl halftime show just because

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 23 sata

    toddler: [points to litter box] what's that me: that's where the cat hides his poop cat: are u serious u fucken snitch

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    Bank teller: how may I help you? Robber: all the money please Teller: omg you are so polite Robber: thank you so much Teller: would you like anything else? Robber: your snapchat? Teller: [blushing] oh you

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    19. stu 2015.

    Dog 911: what's ur emergency? Dog: MY HUMAN WENT TO WORK Dog 911: so? Dog: WHAT IF THIS TIME HE DOESN'T COME BACK Dog 911: OMG Dog: OMG

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    No one in the waiting area at this Olive Garden wants to guess how many breadsticks I can fit in my mouth at once.

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    In honor of me hitting 6,660 followers I’m having a TWEET CALL, so send me up to THREE tweets from you or a friend having to do with Hell. Likes, RTs, and other unholy tomfoolery for my favorites. Ends at midnight. 6: 6: 6:

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    If I never have kids does this mean I can never be a DILF, despite me absolutely killing it hotness wise?

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    Sex so good he tell his female coworkers about you

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s Friday night and it’s okay to just get in bed and go to sleep.

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    I'm not Twitter hot. Or Facebook hot. Or even real life hot. I.....I don't remember where I was going with this and now I'm sad.

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  17. 1. velj

    My friend just said, ‘you should write a book about all your dating nightmares’ hahaha so it’s not going well at all obviously

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    January has seemed so long I feel like staying up until midnight to ring in the new month.

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    Marvin Gaye: can I get a witness?! Republicans: no

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    “Just don’t fall in love with me, babe” I say before biting my candy cigarette and roller skating down the street

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    Scientists say we only use like 15% of our brain. Man...imagine if we could figure out how to use the other 65%.

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