It was not some sudden thing, mind you, nor built around anger, I just suffered this slow, sad death of my connection to Star Wars. Not just in terms of fervor and passion. But the very meaning of it. And I was growing past it. Which was healthy in many ways.
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Which means this is really about the push-pull of our emotional selves. For there are many who would take this story and make an argument of how it's proof that we need to hold onto our sense of childlike glee and seek out the experiences that make us feel that way.
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Which is really just part and parcel of our deeply troubling preoccupation with nostalgia and escapism. The reason grown adults NEED to live vicariously through movies in really gross ways... But no, this about the other end of the spectrum.
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This is about people who go in the other direction. This is about how men, in an effort to transcend the bounds of perceived childlike naivety, get "serious" and built new fronts out of fear, and how we build fences to mitigate our suffering. And thus lose something crucial.
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This is about how we teach boys to worship this mentality, and blame outward, to hit, and shoot, and kill - all to to just steels themselves against emotion and pain. And so those fences turn into iron walls from the mountains and mountains of pain that come with life and grief.
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And so this is ultimately a story about breaking those walls. It's the ability to let things effect you. To undo all that is toxic about yourself. To realize that to call those things "child-like" is an outrageous disservice to selfhood, because they are "human-like."
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And they are critical to our sanity and becoming a balanced person capable of expressing the entire range of emotions without fear, especially when expressing fear itself. Because the alternative is the true misery of pushing yourself away from yourself.
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So yeah, I could tell have told you this whole story and just said "hardee har har, a guy in a Chewbacca outfit gave me a hug and it made me cry."
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The key is I actually let myself for once. Because deep-down I really needed to. And an old friend was there to let me know it was okay.
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End of conversation
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I was you a year and a half ago. Mom had died, and I was taking a short break from life at Disneyland, and we went through Launch Bay, and suddenly Chewie was there, and it was right after 7, and I just sobbed on him because somehow I knew "he" would understand about loss.
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I did a silent meditation retreat and had direct experiences of the same thing. Became aware of lots of armour and childhood wounds, set aside some for good and some (as it turned out) just temporarily. Deeply life changing experience, if you're well prepared
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