I spent one month shutting out the world to get on a good schedule. I worked at it harder than anything. Finally, I was going to bed at 10pm. Getting up at five am. I was doing everything right.
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For two and half weeks It felt good. I was in sunshine. I got to feel those normal things that normal people feel.
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Two bad nights of brain space and I'm up til 5 am again. In the end, even with a good few weeks, the reality is I have three different sleep disorders that don't magically disappear. I mean, my brain has been fighting me going to sleep since I was a damn child.
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Every time I talk about this, people just offer advice like I this is not my inescapable reality and I just haven't done x yet. All I want is to heard when I say "This is hell" and that is all. Maybe talk with other people who deal with that too. That's literally just it.
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End of conversation
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It's impossible for me to control my sleep schedule, and I feel people don't understand it's a little bit like depresion in that it's just mental weather. You don't have that much agency over it sometimes.
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Sleep is just something that most people could not take for granted more & it’s such a given under the grind of capitalism that the struggle just will not compute for them... at least until there’s more awareness & acceptance of sleep disorders & also communism probably
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There is a theory that folks who sleep restlessly or sleep non standard hours do so due to a genetic disposition to protect the pack. So congratulations, you are the wolf who howls at the moon. Your prize is always being tired.
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Parents of kids who can’t sleep get the same treatment- “Oh you must not be trying” when you’ve tried everything.
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I’ve had two different therapists tell me to get a louder alarm clock and hand me a pamphlet on sleep hygiene. Look, that’s not going to help someone who falls asleep some time between 5pm and 8am, and wakes up some time between 11pm and 4pm. Depression doesn’t work that way.
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I have horrific insomnia and find it almost impossible to sleep. It’s greatly crippled my entire life. I feel an insane amount of jealousy for people who are able to sleeep normally. I once stayed up for 14 days without even 5 minutes of sleep and was in pain the entire time.
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