Quick Thread re: sleep anxiety. And I swear to god if you try to give my advice it's an instant block. I've tried everything on this planet and seen every doctor ever. I'm just trying to explain what it feels like so it's understood. So! I knew I had to get up early today...
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That's it. A few hours. That's all I want. Not 8. Like, 3 will do. But the dread is so strong that I have to try and plan and make my body clock get right for it. Do every human thing I know to make me tired. I do all of them. Repeat. All of them.
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I begin my "going to sleep" process around midnight cause my clock is already a bit off. And every single time I even got close to falling asleep, my brain screams at my body "NO DONT DO IT. WAKE THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW OR YOU'LL DIE."
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Yes. This is what it does. For no reason. The second I even start to lull off my brain will think of the worst things and JOLT my body into being awake, alert, and terrified. And it happens all night and i won't sleep.
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In order to really sleep usually? I have to make myself so insanely tired that I'm at the the point of no return. Usually being up at least 20+ hours, but that destroys the ability to have a normal life sched. That or get drunk and pass out, but that just destroys life itself.
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And I've had to deal with this my entire life. Seriously, this has been going on since middle school. I can best function when I can sort of let it do what it does and let my life work around it. But it makes me incompatible with so much.
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I spent years in school / workplaces being fall-down exhausted. I spent years talking to doctors, medication, etc. I have to schedule so many things for the afternoon or night otherwise I'm just screwed in some way or the other. And yet...
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Everytime I try to express "this is what my life is like," especially when I don't go into big detail, Someone says "yeah but have you tried X?" as if it's my fault for not just, like, doing something I obviously have already tried.
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There's no moral. No lesson. No ray of hope. I'm just so fucking tired of it. It's going to quietly ruin my day. As it does every time. But I mean it when I say this isn't about sympathy. It's that saying it out loud makes it feel valid, instead of a private hell for one.
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Update: zero sleep. Gotta go. I also know this is going to 100% make me sick. Which is in turn going to ruin an upcoming visit (I get sinus attacks when I get colds that completely incapacitate me). This is my always cycle and I can't do anything to stop it.
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Final update: Home. Time for earnest shot at sleep. <3 to all
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End of conversation
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