And not a quick appointment or anything. It's an all day thing (that I'm looking forward to!) but the second I put it on my calendar I felt an incredible sense of creeping dread: "i'm going to have to try and get a few hours of sleep before!"
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That's it. A few hours. That's all I want. Not 8. Like, 3 will do. But the dread is so strong that I have to try and plan and make my body clock get right for it. Do every human thing I know to make me tired. I do all of them. Repeat. All of them.
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I begin my "going to sleep" process around midnight cause my clock is already a bit off. And every single time I even got close to falling asleep, my brain screams at my body "NO DONT DO IT. WAKE THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW OR YOU'LL DIE."
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Yes. This is what it does. For no reason. The second I even start to lull off my brain will think of the worst things and JOLT my body into being awake, alert, and terrified. And it happens all night and i won't sleep.
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In order to really sleep usually? I have to make myself so insanely tired that I'm at the the point of no return. Usually being up at least 20+ hours, but that destroys the ability to have a normal life sched. That or get drunk and pass out, but that just destroys life itself.
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And I've had to deal with this my entire life. Seriously, this has been going on since middle school. I can best function when I can sort of let it do what it does and let my life work around it. But it makes me incompatible with so much.
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I spent years in school / workplaces being fall-down exhausted. I spent years talking to doctors, medication, etc. I have to schedule so many things for the afternoon or night otherwise I'm just screwed in some way or the other. And yet...
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Everytime I try to express "this is what my life is like," especially when I don't go into big detail, Someone says "yeah but have you tried X?" as if it's my fault for not just, like, doing something I obviously have already tried.
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There's no moral. No lesson. No ray of hope. I'm just so fucking tired of it. It's going to quietly ruin my day. As it does every time. But I mean it when I say this isn't about sympathy. It's that saying it out loud makes it feel valid, instead of a private hell for one.
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Update: zero sleep. Gotta go. I also know this is going to 100% make me sick. Which is in turn going to ruin an upcoming visit (I get sinus attacks when I get colds that completely incapacitate me). This is my always cycle and I can't do anything to stop it.
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Final update: Home. Time for earnest shot at sleep. <3 to all
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