But my way of engaging that identity and reality became about making it "outside myself" I talked passionately about gay rights. By high school I was an arty kid so I made jokes about how I was going to move to NYC and smoke cigarettes and be gay. And people would laugh and laugh
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I'm always worried I'm saying or doing the wrong thing, or not understanding something important, or not valid. But that's all a part of the same fear, maybe. And I guess showing the pervasive reality of that fear is all I want to convey.
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To everyone who is afraid in their bones, you are loved. To those who show courage out in the everyday world, you are freakin' heroes. And to those who don't see the big deal of all this, you can, quite simply, fuck off forever. <3
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OH! The other homophobic component you have to understand is the AIDS crisis. Not just because out it was identified as a "gay disease," but in how much anger there was at gay people for bringing it into the "normal" population and them "needing" to have safe sex now... yeah.
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End of conversation
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Yeah dude, I absolutely know the feeling. I’m 28 and definitely attracted to men... and pretty sure one of them is gonna hurt me, bad. Because even my friendships at a younger age felt conditional. I had to behave, act like them even if I hated what we were doing. Or I’d suffer.
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Growing up, the big game on the playground was called "Smear the Queer". Yeah. That'll stick with you for life.
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You are so not alone in this. I was physically shaking this morning.
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I think you can draw a line from my adult anxiety back to years of being terrified of being found out. Trying to micromanage every action and behaviour and coming up with plausible answers for which celebrities I had a crush on and so on. I know the fear. Thank you for threading.
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*raises hand* I do. You are not alone. <3
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