Anything I did wrong or effeminate? It would come down hard. I remember getting punched in the head and called a fag for having still having star wars sheets. ANYTHING felt like a potential invite.
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But that change was not reflected in groups of boys. that made up my life The more bullying sporty group I knew, the sentiment amounted to "if he was gay, why do people care?" and then the "smart" group of kids I knew just made edgelord "funny" jokes about it.
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I wasn't laughing. But I wasn't really talking either. I went to a big high school and if you want to understand what it was like, there was no one who was publicly out. No one.
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Yes, there were kids who knew they were and in small circles, but such was the raging state of homophobia. It's just this oppressive, constant silence about the deeper things. And some of it was the catholicism, but really it was the agro homophobia.
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Seinfeld might have been making jokes about "not that there's anything wrong with that," but it sure always felt like there was a lot wrong that. Especially when everyone was walking around trying to be ANYTHING but gay, including the people in that episode.
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I don't think people realize how much has changed in the last 20 years. And I don't think people realize how little has changed too. The palpable malice is still RIGHT THERE. In everything.
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I talk about all of this because of Jussie. There's so many intersections of identity to this and fears and hardships I've never had to know. I want to honor those differences and my privileges more than anything.
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But I just want to say I know that one specific fear so deep in my bones. And when I read about this, the palpable fear seizes up my entire body. Suddenly, I'm in elementary school again. And I've had been all day.
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I don't know if anyone else identifies with this or knows that feeling. There's a lot I'm still trying to grapple with, understand, and understand how this has effected me in so many different ways.
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I'm always worried I'm saying or doing the wrong thing, or not understanding something important, or not valid. But that's all a part of the same fear, maybe. And I guess showing the pervasive reality of that fear is all I want to convey.
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To everyone who is afraid in their bones, you are loved. To those who show courage out in the everyday world, you are freakin' heroes. And to those who don't see the big deal of all this, you can, quite simply, fuck off forever. <3
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OH! The other homophobic component you have to understand is the AIDS crisis. Not just because out it was identified as a "gay disease," but in how much anger there was at gay people for bringing it into the "normal" population and them "needing" to have safe sex now... yeah.
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End of conversation
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