I have the deepest, most abiding jealousy of people who can just “go to sleep” without their brain turning it into an ordeal for hours and hours. This has been my whole damn life.
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Everyone keeps offering suggestions and help. As if theres some mysterious thing Im doing wrong. Some key that will make work! I get the good intentions, but Ive been going through this for decades and decades, folks. What I want is for it just to just be understood and believed.
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And to be clear. Yes, I've seen doctors and sleep specialists. Diagnosis is a combo of fairly standard sleep disorders, the problem is they way they crash together. Got a basic case of Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome which crashes with capacity for Non-24 hour sleep wake disorder -
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not a good combo because it means I can essentially let myself get off my late phase so damn easily, which not only impacts life schedule but doesn't refresh me the same way it does for people who only suffer from that one. Couple this with "racing thoughts"...
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which is basically something you develop as a kid when you're effectively going numb / sharklike to combat would be depression / anxiety that would be present if you could connect to your emotions. Essentially, it's a method of trying to "outthink" the approach of dread and fear
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Which just creates more spirals. Eventually this system crashes, depression and anxiety arrive and become diagnosed later in life, and exacerbate said system. Now, the nuclear bomb is when insomnia gets in the mix and it does happen when all of this sort of goes wild
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And it basically becomes a nightmare of fuzzy waking dream. I've had this on and off throughout life. I've seen doctors. I've tried everything. Please please please don't tell me about how maybe there's some magical thing I'm missing. I've been through this so so so many times.
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This is something I understand better than anyone else possibly could about me. The point of this whole shebang, is to reach out to people who are experiencing it / something like it or know people who are, and say "I get it." <3
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End of conversation
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It does suck. It’s just about the worst thing your brain can do to you.
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I have clear memories as a child of imagining myself as Spiderman to direct the chatter. Must have written 100 drowsy movies.
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