The simplest, most elegant solution a problem that is beyond obvious and beyond solving any other way. And so suddenly, your life becomes about managing this constant, evergreen impulse. I cannot explain what it means to go through 60% of a given day fighting the very thought.
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And It does not matter what success, what joy, and what beauty you can leave behind. The cruel irony is that in truly grasping hold of those lovely things, it will only serve to show you that the impulse is STILL THERE. And it will always be there.
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Until you can somehow, someway, beat back the tides of original programming that goes back so far that you do not know another way of life outside of it. You only know that you've been constantly running from it and in denial. What creates such a thing?
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Well, we call it trauma, but it is so much more then that term can allow, and so often laced into the daily traumas that informed our every day sense of the world.
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It all forms a brain full of imperfect coping mechanisms, which inadvertently creates the suicidal instinct, which is only the most perfect and silencing coping mechanism of all. And there it is: the reveal that the biggest problem with suicide is that it is genuinely a solution.
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And to get outside of it, to live with it, and to effectively take all that pain and find a way to give back and help is something most could never imagine. In that sense, what Tony did was Herculean. He was the poet americana. I owe him so much I cannot accurately explain.
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He gave a gift you and you do not realize the strength it took for him to give it. And while I beat my chest and shout to the fucking rooftops about how this has happened. There is the part of me that... simply knows. And is so proud that he made it this long.
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While it would be nice to end on that poeticism, a few notes of practicality.
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1. Linking to Suicide Prevention Hotlines is all well and good, but, and I can only speak from my own experience, it's like bringing a BB gun to a nuclear war. They can be good in that they get you talking, but most people don't come back to them after the initial flirtations.
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Replying to @FilmCritHULK
You feel like talking to suicide prevention line did not help? What could be done to improve service?
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They are great and do the literally best they can. And serve and important role, truly. It's just a lot of what needs to be really addressed goes deeper than an initial conversation with a stranger.
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