Suicide, or that which wishes not to be named, is a beast beyond most's comprehension. But it's like sleeper agent, placed in your brain long ago by things beyond your control. After years of confidence and not being able to connect to it, it can suddenly come online.
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And to get outside of it, to live with it, and to effectively take all that pain and find a way to give back and help is something most could never imagine. In that sense, what Tony did was Herculean. He was the poet americana. I owe him so much I cannot accurately explain.
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He gave a gift you and you do not realize the strength it took for him to give it. And while I beat my chest and shout to the fucking rooftops about how this has happened. There is the part of me that... simply knows. And is so proud that he made it this long.
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While it would be nice to end on that poeticism, a few notes of practicality.
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1. Linking to Suicide Prevention Hotlines is all well and good, but, and I can only speak from my own experience, it's like bringing a BB gun to a nuclear war. They can be good in that they get you talking, but most people don't come back to them after the initial flirtations.
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2. Don't get freaked out by suicide. It has nothing to do with what you do or don't do, and instead the internal battles the someone is dealing with. So often, the biggest thing someone needs to do is express the feeling without feeling like a goddamn alien for doing so.
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I.E. I finally expressed to a friend one night over drinks and he looked me dead in the eye and said "Well... if you do can I have your TV?" and it was a joke I needed to hear and I will be forever thankful
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3. If you do want to help out with someone who you know is struggling or you suspect is struggling, reach out in the most casual ways. Say you should get lunch, get them to put something on the calendar. Just fill with normalcy.
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And give the space to talk if they want to. You don't need to be a superhero, or a therapist, or even a BFF, just be yourself, and invite them into the world you share. It's not only all you can do, its more than you can imagine.
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And lastly, what's funny is that as I write all this, I'm realizing the last gift that Tony has given me, which is finally giving me the courage to talk about this subject so nakedly, honestly, and purposefully... Ha. That fucking bastard.
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Note: I ended up having to not only write about this, but Bourdain too. Column submitted and going up soon.
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So, I had to expand on these thoughts and write about Tony's impact too...http://observer.com/2018/06/anthony-bourdain-suicide-and-grace/ …
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To the people who really get all this, none of you are alone. You are understood.
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End of conversation
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