Freedom of speech isn't freedom from repercussions. That's why everyone who works retail doesn't tell you to go fuck yourself.
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Matt Fernandez
@FattMernandez
Comedian/writer - 1 hr Special on Amazon: a.co/d/aKhlPxe - Tweets featured on Ellen & Kimmel - Doug Loves Movies - IG:
Matt Fernandez’s Tweets
He's the father, the son, and the holy spirit. So that would make God they/them.
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Gonna tell my kids this was Outkast.
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I don't know why everyone's so upset. Brittney Griner is free and all it cost us was Anthony Kiedis.
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hereditary (2018)
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Usually when a woman turns 35 she is banished to the woods so people don't have to look at her. But she isn't even covered in spider webs or anything. Incredible.
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Assistant: "Sir, we lost the election."
Herschel Walker: "Did you try tying a belt around your neck? That usually works for me."
Assistant: "ELLLLLection... with an L."
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I want a movie that explains what happened to Kevin's parents between the Home Alone movies. In the 1st one they take their family to Paris, and in the 2nd one they take them to a run down motel in Florida.
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"BRO" has no gender, i even call my mom bro
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Between Kanye going full Hitler and Antonio Brown being in a stand-off with the police, Hot Girl Fall is over, and Dudes Who Should Be Medicated Winter is here.
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I was surprised to see Ray Liotta in Cocaine Bear. Then I remembered that he was contractually obligated to be in any movies that involved cocaine.
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He has the gun, but with that much Diet Coke he can also shoot you with his kidney stones.
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Aubrey Plaza said “Janet Snakehole? Haven’t heard that name in years”
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America tied England in a game that England loves, and America only knows about because we watch our kids play it and pretend we're proud of them.
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Can Elon Musk run Ticketmaster into the ground next?
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Someone's whole career is taking pictures of Pete Davidson where he looks like the unabomber, just so the next time he dates a model people go "BUT HOW?!"
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Women in Georgia are worried they won't have access to abortions if Herschel Walker wins. But don't worry, you'll still be able to get abortions. As long as it's Herschel Walker's baby.
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If you think they sexualized communion, wait til you hear about the Catholic church.
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It blows my mind that anyone cheers for politicians. Their whole job is to make you think they care about you. You know what other job does that? Strippers. Put a sign in your front yard for your favorite lap dance you coward.
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Name a worse song than the National Anthem.
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Gronk on his way to pick up Brady after the divorce.
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Adidas may have cut ties with Kanye for antisemitism. But they were still complicit in these orthopedic hate crimes.
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Tom Brady yelling at his O-line like "What is the point of your high cholesterol if you're not gonna block?! I don'teven eat bread! You disgust me!"
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Alex Jones moved $62 million out of his accounts to try to convince the courts he's broke. Which is on brand since trying to convince people something wasn't real is what got him in trouble in the 1st place.
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To answer the most obvious question, yes, I did pick up what was left of the beer and chug it.
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An audience member threw a full beer at @Ariel_Comedy’s head mid-set and it was not fun in any way shape or form but she closed it out like a fucking champ and that’s the only kind of actual brave I’ve ever seen a comedian be
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you misheard me, i said that my partner and i are into polyarmory. we believe munitions should be kept in several discrete locations to ensure access to weaponry if one arsenal is captured by hostiles.
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Kanye West is what happens when you have a bard in D&D who only rolls 1s and 20s.
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Biden legalized weed because he knew we'd need it to get through this Broncos Colts game.
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Somebody said NFL concussion protocol woulda let JFK back in the parade 😭😭😭😭😭
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“I’m a 24-year-old freelancer for an online publication and here’s 5 ways the man who has successfully run a sketch comedy show/cultural institution for 48 years could improve his show”
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After watching Dahmer, I'm not accepting drinks from anyone. My wife tried to give me a glass of water and now she's in jail. Where she belongs.
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Hurricane Ian is moving 10 mph and ruining Florida. Just like your grandparents.
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Tom Brady looks like a vampire who refuses to eat people, so he's been surviving on rats and chickens.
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I have a 6 am flight next week and Southwest mailed me a bunch of free drink tickets. It feels like they're daring me to get black out drunk at 6am, and I accept.
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I tried Kombucha. It tastes like bog water strained through a grapefruit's nightmare.
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Wild how dogs will literally eat cat shit from a litter box but when you try to give them a tiny pill they’re suddenly all dainty and discerning.
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The Little Mermaid can't be black. She was white in the original! Well Jesus Christ is a middle eastern jew in the original, but you're awfully quiet about him being played by a white guy.
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People keep asking why we planned our wedding for April Fools Day next year. Because no one else was trying to book the venue that day and we got a good price. It was either April Fools Day or 9/11.
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