Ethan M. Aldridge

It's New Years Eve, and King Arthur and his court are gathered to celebrate. Everyone's hanging out, probably getting a bit tipsy, and the party is starting to drag. King Arthur asks for a wonder, something marvelous to ring in the new year. That's when the door is kicked in.

A massive, unnatural, green figure rides in on a horse (who in some versions is also green), carrying a really cool axe in one hand and a holly branch in the other. The court is freaked out by this, but the Green Knight insists he is simply there to play a fun holiday game.

"Anyone can take my really cool axe," the Green Knight says "and hit me with it, however they want. Then, a year and a day from now, I get to hit you the same way. And you get to keep my really cool axe in the meantime." Sounds legit.

Enter Sir Gawain. He's one of the youngest of Arthur's knights, and also Arthur's little upstart cousin. He's gone on no quests, has no cool legends about him, and has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about it. As the other knights fall silent, he proudly volunteers for the game.

The Green Knight hands him his axe and kneels before Gawain. Gawain, all swagger, promptly cuts the Green Knights head off.

Maybe Gawain was showing off. Maybe he thought that if his just killed the guy then there would be no reciprocal blow from the axe. Either way the other knights basically react with "Cool, dude, I guess, but that green guy was just here to play a game and you fully murdered him."

Then the Green Knight calmly stands up and picks up his head. It's bleeding all over the floor, totally killing the party mood, as the head thanks Gawain for playing and says he'll meet him a year and a day from now at his home, the Green Chapel.

The Green Knight leaves. Awkward silence. Guinevere is pissed. Arthur and Gawain laugh it off. They wanted a New Year's wonder, and what fits the bill better than a murderous, headless forest knight hahaha right, so festive!

Much of the year passes quickly. Time is coming up, and Gawain gets ready to leave on his quest for the Green Chapel. He's freaked out, because it's hard to see how this is going to end well for him, but hey, finally a quest!

The quest takes months. Many dangers faced, many adventures had. We are given exactly none details on these. Moving on.

It's now Christmas. Time is running out, Gawain doesn't know exactly where this Green Chapel is, he's lost, and his honor (not his honor!) will be called into question if he doesn't make his date. Suddenly, a mist-shrouded castle!

He stops to ask for directions. He's greeted by the lord and lady of the castle, who are happy to tell him he's less than a day's ride to the Green Chapel, just within the forest yon! He's early! The lord of the castle invites Gawain to stay with them until New Years Day.

Gawain gratefully accepts. The Lord of the castle proposes a fun holiday game (has Gawain heard this before? Not as far as he can recall); The lord likes to go hunting all day. He'll give Gawain anything he gets, as long as Gawain gives him anything he gets while the lord is out.

Gawain likes these games (and he's *so* good at them), so he accepts. He's staying in the lord's castle, so anything he gets is probably the lord's anyway. Off the lord of the castle goes to hunt for the day.

The lady of the castle slips into Gawain's room and comes onto him HARD. Now, Gawain is a chivalrous knight! He's no home-wrecker! But it would be rude to deny the lady of the castle when she's being so sexy. Okay, he'll accept one little kiss, you know, for chivalry.

The Lord of the castle comes home and tosses a deer on the table. In exchange, Gawain kisses the lord, full on the mouth. Gawain doesn't say why, and the lord doesn't ask. This holiday game is FUN.

Next day, off goes the lord for his daily hunting. In slips the Lady of the castle, and this time it's two secret kisses. Gawain doesn't seem to protest too much. The Lady is hot, and so is the Lord, and anyway all this bisexual tension is for the sake of CHIVALRY.

The Lord brings home a boar, and in exchange he and Gawain have a little make out session. Next day, off goes the Lord again, and in slips the Lady. Depending on the version of the story, she either gives him 3 kisses, or a LOT more than 3 kisses. For chivalry.

When they're done, the Lady offers Gawain a token of her affection: a green sash. Gawain tries to refuse, but when the lady says it is enchanted to protect the wearer from death, he reconsiders. His hypothetical beheading looms.

The Lord brings home a fox, and Gawain gives him 3 kisses (or depending on version, a lot more than 3 kisses). But not the sash. That he keeps a secret. New year's day comes, and a well-fed and well-kissed Gawain heads into the forest.

It's not long before he finds the Green Chapel, all big and overgrown. The sounds of an axe being sharpened come from inside. Gawain gathers all of his knightly courage and heads (haha) inside.

The Green Knight, head reattached and with a cool axe (but slightly less cool than Gawain's cool axe), welcomes him, and politely invites Gawain to put his head on the chopping block. Gawain, a man of his word (mostly), does so.

The Green Knight raises the axe to strike, and Gawain flinches. The Green Knight teases him for being a wuss. Gawain reminds himself he's secretly wearing a green magic sash that will theoretically protect him from being beheaded, and tells the Green knight to bring it on.

The Knight swings again, but again pulls the blow, teasing Gawain that he's just testing his nerves. Gawain, youngest of the knights with a chip on his shoulder, angrily tells the Green Knight to get it over with. The Knight swings the axe down.

He doesn't cut Gawain's head off, but not because of the supposedly magic sash. He pulls the blow a little, but leaves Gawain with a nice gash across the back of his neck. That's gonna scar.

The Green Knight explains that this was all a test for the mettle of Arthur's court, as test from the world's of wildness and magic, directed by the witch Morgan Le Faye. Also, the Green Knight is really the Lord of the Castle! Surprise!

The two have a nice companiable chat (they HAVE made out a lot, after all), where the Green Knight expounds on the union between Chivalry and order (represented by Gawain) and wildness and magic (represented by the knight). I dunno, seems pretty gay to me.

Gawain heads back home with a cool new scar and a green sash that is maybe or maybe not magic. The sash is worn forever more as a reminder to always keep your word. And maybe a reminder of the weekend he got a LOT of really sweet kisses. The end!

PS If you'd like more retellings of The Green Knight, here are a couple favorites: A comic adaptation by @emcheeseman: http://emilycheeseman.com/greenknight/  "The Green Knight's Wife" by @KatWithSword, which reimagines the story as a grisly reality tv show: http://uncannymagazine.com/article/green-knights-wife/ …