Ashley Naftule

Ultimate Killing Machine Character Build: Wizard + Portals + Boats

You do realize that this book makes it possible to create a FITZCARRALDO D&D scenario where you can have a dude whose whole thing is pushing giant ships around the countryside so he can ram that shits into a dragon

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of the 16d10 dice I'm rolling as I plow an entire ship through your ass

"In terms of pure game mechanics, there's no reason to give Hermes a motorcycle aside from the fact that it's RAD AS FUCK. This bad boy pops wheelies and blows off chick's clothes when you rev the engine." -Palladium Books Game Designer

No stats for Jesus in that book, tho. TELL ME HOW MUCH MDC JESUS OF NAZARETH HAS YOU COWARDS

As delightful as it is that this book is chock full of hilarious stats for boats, it'll never be as crazy as that RIFTS source book that gives the stats for damn near every pantheon in existence and gave Hermes, fast as shit Hermes, a motorcycle

NOW WHERE ARE THE RULES FOR GRAPPLING A BOAT I WANT TO SABIN A BOAT

Backstab your whole-ass armada

All you dumb motherfuckers out here chopping away at Tarrasques while yr boi here is drilling a hole in a warship and getting all the glory

Did you know boats have immunities to poison and psychic damage? Now you know

What you think an ancient dragon is tough? Bitch please a galley ship has got 500 HIT POINTS

Oh hell yeah this D&D book has got HP stats for BOATS and I now know how many times I need to stab the fuck out of a rowboat in order to kill it

The "Oh, I totally meant to do that" school of storytelling

Best part about DMing a tabletop RPG: When you give the party a clue/mystery and they come to a conclusion that's waaaaay more inventive and clever than what you actually came up with and you get to pretend you meant to do that better thing the whole time and look like a genius

Not gonna lie, tho: I do prefer playing. Getting a chance to DM a pickup game every now and then is great, but I'm happy my weekly RP fix is mostly on the player's side of the table.

There was even a Peter Green reference because I'm a fucking dork and I should be ashamed of myself

The blacksmith's name was FLEETWOOD. I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself

DM'd a game of D&D for the first time in ages and it went really well. Put the party through a dark, Arthur Machen-esque folk horror story.... inside a town themed around Fleetwood Mac. And somehow I got away with it (THE MAYOR'S NAME WAS STEVIE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE)