I wanna tell a story now to desensitize myself a bit in advance. This talk is about "strength" and how it normalizes harm in tech spaces.
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September 7, 2001 I was diagnosed with epilepsy. September 10, 2001 my godfather--my uncle & my dad's best friend--lost his battle w/ cancer
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I was a sophomore at Rensselaer that year. On September 12, I tried to ask a professor for an extension for one homework assignment...
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I didn't get to mention that I had to travel for a funeral when he shoved his hand in my face and said "son, everyone's having a hard time."
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"You have to be strong."
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So I took what he said to heart. I took myself off the anti-seizure meds, actually anti-psychotics.
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And I doubled down on my course load. I earned some 140+ credits in 7 semesters there. And then I almost worked myself literally to death.
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I had developed a thyroid disorder, my resting heart rate was 140 bpm. I lived like this for 2 years because I only had to sleep 5 nights/wk
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All because I felt that my success and my masculinity hung on this one statement about being strong so I had to do this.
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I had a disability, but sought no accomodations. Instead I tried to bury it, pretend it didn't exist. I thrived off people being impressed.
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And when I nearly died and took 3 years off, I didn't feel normal, I felt weak. I felt like a failure. And I slipped into a deep depression.
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That one comment took years from me. It pushed back my transition by probably half a decade. It stole all of my 20s.
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I want it to be okay to be weak. I want it to be ok to not have to play the goddamn hero. I don't want to be strong. I want to be at peace.
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I am listening and I hear you <3
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