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  1. Prikvačeni tweet

    Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 41 minutu

    tsa agent: please empty out all of your pockets before entering sir kangaroo: *wearing glasses and nose disguise* aha yes my normal pants pockets yes no other pockets do i have i am definitely not a kangaroo

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  3. Aye playboy the color-blocking on your button down shirt really accentuates your hips

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    prije 9 minuta

    all you need to know about america is that we took every stereotype of australia, turned it into a themed restaurant...and then opened several of them in australia

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    prije 10 minuta

    me: im terrified of australia therapist: let's dig a little me: [nervous] k but not too far

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  6. Chauncey, fetch me my umbrella sword. Looks like rain.

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    prije 44 minute
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    Jeff

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    me: [driving up] wanna go kangaroo hunting? friend: sure, I'll hop in. me: [pumping shotgun] wtf did you just say?

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    prije 26 minuta

    today is the darkest day of the year for pigs, where they must once again go back to being blanketless

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    prije 2 sata

    my sister: why do you delete so many tweets? me: sometimes you don't know something's really stupid until you send it out into the world my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*

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    HER: why do you have a stinger attached to your ass are you looking for trouble ME [proudly putting on my boingy antennae]: I’m about to bee

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    just curious has anyone ever nodded their head like yeah and if so did u then move ur hips like yeah or am i weird haha

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 1 sat

    [Outside the Hip Hop Club] Bouncer: no joeys Lil’ Kangaroo: [in fake mustache] good day my name is Skip

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    prije 47 minuta

    him: *grabs my butt* me: hey! say you’re sorry or- him: *laughing* or what tasmanian devil: *cracking knuckles* APOLOGIZE TO THE LADY him: *scared* im sorry don’t hurt me me: thanks tazzie tasmanian devil: *purrs*

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    prije 41 minutu

    [BA meeting] Teacher: Hello and welcome to Bills Anonymous, I’m Tom. Is anyone else using an alias? Will: I am

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    prije 1 sat

    Sometimes when one door closes, God changes the locks, throws all your hopes and dreams out the window and sets them on fire.

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    Shingles are a pox on your house

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    2. velj

    [guy who’s about to invent spaghetti] *looking at snakes* what if they were italian

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 54 minute

    [aliens observing australia] alien 1: what are those giant hairy things with big ugly feet and pockets? alien 2: i think they're called kangaroos- alien 3: men.

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Spoonman implies knifewoman. It’s basic economics.

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