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There are a few people *on here* that have seen me be "civil" toward people harassing or threatening me, overtly or covertly. That was not "civility". That was fear. That was self-preservation. That was me choosing my physical safety over my humanity, dignity, and self-respect.
That's often the choice marginalized people get. Your safety or your dignity. Pick one. You don't get both. So you smile, speak softly, say "please", keep you hands up & your head down. That's not "civility". And if that looks like "civility" to you, think about it.
And that's the safety of the partner of an abuser. The abuser gets to decide on a whim whether the victim is behaving properly and punish any transgressions.
I'm so sorry. Fear and civility are not the same. But then again, I can't really remember what civility is anymore.
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