New York Times Pitchbot

I'm thinking a crocodile filled moat with a draw bridge around every school.

If we held the classes underwater the guns wouldn't function properly and the bullets would be greatly slowed by passage through water. Also: no spitballs!

What if we just disarmed everyone and used our military only to defend us from actual invaders?

They would not know which end of the gun to hold because something... something... both sides.

The time for arming and training has passed. No-Fly zones and drone strikes while we move a carrier group to the region.