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  1. Pinned Tweet
    5 Mar 2016

    I licked my thumb to wipe my daughter's face and the kingdom of everything I once knew crumbled

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  2. Retweeted
    9 hours ago

    Tune in tonight at 9pm to any channel you want, because I’m not on anything

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  3. Apr 4

    Overhearing my hubs play Grand Theft Auto V in the other room. Holy hell please hire me to punch up your dialogue. It’s so very bad. Like 1st draft bad. I can help you. DM me

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  4. Apr 3

    Sometimes I think I had a very average upbringing and then I remember how I’d regularly play 3 diff versions of solitaire all before I was old enough to go to kindergarten and that each version was taught to me by a diff grey-haired Italian relative. Cool gnight.

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  5. Apr 3

    Smart phone lock screens: the magazine covers of your life

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  6. Apr 1

    Anyone know if Bernards High still does the carnation sale on Valentines? I started that ❤️

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  7. Mar 30

    I don’t think I’m gonna charge my crystals in the full moon light this month says my hubris !

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  8. Retweeted
    Mar 28

    If it’s your pet peeve, that means you regularly feed it.

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  9. Mar 26

    Good character development is me weeping at the Rose family finally admitting they love each other on Schitt’s Creek 👏👏👏👏👏

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  10. Mar 23

    Within 10min I passed 3 diff millennial women all wearing various combos of long sleeve yellow crop tops with black pants and I came to you for answers

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  11. Mar 22

    The 7 Stages of a Hangover 1. Feel great - must still be drunk 2. Dehydrated & slow 3. Everything is loud/Headache/Nausea 4. Greasy food now. 5. Soooooo tired 6. My life is a series of mistakes why is anyone friends with me 7. Wow. The Sopranos pilot is truly masterful.

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  12. Mar 21

    If you’re not following as she fires back at trolls, you’re not having as good of a hump day as you could be.

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  13. Mar 20

    I like my life but when I was a kid I really wanted to be an astronomer. I told everyone & their response was ALWAYS, “You have to be really good at math.” Which I was but no one assumed I was/could be. Would have been cool to have a mentor or someone show me Cosmos or something.

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  14. Mar 18

    Happy Annual Carmageddon, LA Marathon

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  15. Mar 17

    HOT NEW TREND “Are you going to poop here or at our house?” is the new “PENIS!” game to play in public.

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  16. Mar 17

    East coast Italians — I feel u

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  17. Retweeted
    Mar 15

    If you want to be a loser, then do not watch the winter Paralympics.. it’s not for you! But, if you want to be a winner, then watch the Paralympics. Those incredible Athletes will Motivate you, Encourage you, and Inspire you.

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  18. Mar 15

    2/Sure, a war is happening but so is Jim Crow, and though the movie isn’t about racial injustice, it tips its hat to it. Visibility is important but we also don’t want to rewrite history. I would love to know your thoughts on walking that tightrope. Thanks!

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  19. Mar 14

    Me sending out texts to childless unemployed recipients before 8am

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  20. Mar 12

    Anyone else keep thinking it’s Thursday

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  21. Retweeted
    Mar 12

    Me trying to take a compliment gracefully:

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