I guarantee no one can have a smear test more embarrassing than my first one, so will tell you my story so that you book yours, knowing it will go swimmingly in comparison.
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I researched what to wear beforehand and asked friends what it was like, as a nervous 25-year old. Long skirt and flip-flops was the reply, in summer, to you don't have to walk around the room barefoot with no jeans on.
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Hopped onto the examining bed, made myself relax, she inserted the speculum, and started peeling the wrapper off the swab, then asked me "How often do you check your breasts for lumps?" Me: "Never."
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She pursed her lips and said "You really should. Quite often. In fact, you should do it every time you cream yourself." Now. In hindsight, I realise by "cream" she presumably meant "moisturise". But where I grew up "cream" had a very different connotation than that, for teenagers
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I was almost hysterical but could not show it. Had to keep my face completely straight. My stomach muscles were almost herniating as I tried to stop myself convulsing like a puerile child. The tension had to go somewhere. The plastic speculum shot out of it's own accord.
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It shattered on the floor. She paused, turned to look at the shrapnel, and deadpan said "No problems with the pelvic floor then" as she left the room to fetch another.
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Replying to @DawnHFoster
This is brilliant. To be fair to you why didn’t she just say check them in the bath or shower ? Who moisturises their tits every day? In fact I am not sure I have ever moisturised my tits
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I know! I'd never moisturised my boobs until she said this, and then suddenly panicked that everyone bar me did, and started
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Replying to @legsidelizzy @DawnHFoster
This is the best tit moisturising twitter convo I’ve ever seen!


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msdawnfoster@gmail.com Tusk is the best Fleetwood Mac album. Only care about LFC.