Jon Gutierrez

@Dasgoot1

Comedy Writer: TruTV's This Functional Family, , , Superheroes: What The?!, Decoded, , &

Los Angeles, CA
jongutierrez.com
Joined April 2009
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  1. Pinned Tweet
    3 Aug 2017

    Got to write jokes with AND discuss what color Ronald McDonald's cum would be!

    31 replies 32 retweets 387 likes
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  2. 11 hours ago

    The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat! If you put him in a house he would much prefer... to be on the steps of the capitol building with an AR-15 and a flag that reads "Don't Tread On Me!"

    1 like
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  3. Retweeted
    Apr 20

    the Twilight Zone episode but Burgess Meredith drops his last bowl of quarantine Spaghetti-Os with Meatballs upside down on the kitchen floor

    12 replies 18 retweets 169 likes
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  4. Retweeted
    Apr 20

    Today’s Pandemic Minute is brought to you by the Knights In Satan’s Service.

    8 replies 8 retweets 55 likes
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  5. Retweeted
    Apr 18

    For my second item, I'm auctioning off a 30-minute Zoom chat that'll cover writing for podcasts, comics, and novels + Q&A. • Bid by replying to this tweet. • Opening bid: $45 • Auction ends April 20 @ 12 PM EST. • Winner donates directly to

    , , and 3 others
    7 replies 24 retweets 125 likes
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  6. Retweeted
    Apr 17

    welcome back. if you're just joining us, we're defending swastikas

    0:29
    Fox News host attacks Michigan governor for calling out swastikas at yesterday's protest against social distancing, saying that they were being displayed ironically
    Show this thread
    104 replies 769 retweets 3,857 likes
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  7. Apr 17

    I never understood the appeal of Fantasy Football until I realized how many hours I've spent strategizing scenarios.

    3 likes
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  8. Apr 14

    My face mask keeps slipping off over my ears. So, I guess I have yet another reason to wish I was Jonathan Banks.

    1 like
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  9. Apr 14

    Of all my childhood misconceptions about "adult romance," I think I was most disappointed to learn how rarely couples actually "Lady and the Tramp" their meals. And even now, it makes me sad that my wife and I can only manage two or three hoagies a week, tops.

    3 retweets 11 likes
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  10. Retweeted
    Apr 6

    so excited i've been chosen to write the new american girl dolls for the pandemic era <3 love to live through a Historical Event!

    23 replies 300 retweets 2,193 likes
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  11. Retweeted
    Apr 4

    Piano Man: Into the Piano-Verse

    77 replies 2,644 retweets 18,706 likes
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  12. Retweeted
    Apr 2

    BREAKING: Noid, 34, dead in elevator accident unrelated to novel coronavirus

    33 replies 43 retweets 493 likes
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  13. Retweeted
    Mar 30

    Free facemask with every enlistment. COBRA!

    92 replies 2,280 retweets 5,205 likes
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  14. Mar 29

    And I'm saying that as someone who's every other thought is "I need to be working on my pilot!"

    1 reply 11 likes
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  15. Mar 29

    If you want to write, fine. If you don't want to write and just need to do everything you can to relax and calm down, that's also fine! But don't stress yourself more by feeling you need to hit some imaginary writing workload.

    1 reply 1 retweet 13 likes
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  16. Mar 29

    I know everyone's talking about getting work done during , but it seems like a lot of (myself included) are beating themselves up because they're too stressed to create right now. So, I think it's important to say "if you can't write right now, it's fine!"

    5 replies 36 likes
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  17. Mar 27

    Trying to feel useful during the . But the only thing I can do is promise that before I die, I'll hide a ton of useful items throughout my house. That way, at least the looting survivors can feel like they're playing one last game of .

    4 replies 20 likes
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  18. Mar 26

    I think this is my favorite, as it's the only porn where I can honestly say, "Yeah, I'd definitely react the same way as that porn star."

    I Get Nervous In A Cafe And Spill Coffee On My Crotch: I Panic! "Are You OK?" She Wipes My Crotch: I Panic! And I Unintentionally Get Hard! Then The Cafe Girl Firmly Grasps My Erect Dick And Starts Staring At Me! Huh?? What's Going On!?
    3 likes
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  19. Mar 26

    Really enjoying , a feed that lists translated names of actual Japanese . I especially love how the names create way more questions than they answer.

    Head of Personnel Department Mr. T's Personal Voyeur Collection 02
    1 reply 5 likes
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  20. Retweeted
    Mar 26

    TODAY 3 PM PST 1/2 HR SHOW-New But Same Material for pleasure or tedium!! If flush, give $5 (or more!) to your local food bank and/or $1 (or more!)Venmo to Maroo-Bamfoo 4 my employee's employment. Otherwise: FREE! Click

    14 replies 15 retweets 88 likes
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  21. Mar 26

    Confession time: Sometimes when I'm in the middle of writing a script, I stop and think "I really wish I was writing an episode of ." Then I get sad.

    1 reply 11 likes
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