My debut comedy album Husband Material is available to buy or stream now!
It’s a clean 45 minutes of my best jokes about marriage, NYC, Cleveland, and old video games!
album.link/danwilbur
Pinned
Follow
Dan Wilbur
@DanWilbur
My 3rd grade teacher told me I had a "great way of ruining things for people." Now I do comedy. My debut album is available now: album.link/danwilbur
Dan Wilbur’s posts
This photo is incredible. You can see the idea percolating in his mind. “Why has no one thought of this. The answer is right in front of us. I will say it. I’ll be the hero we need.”
In 7th grade, my friends and I convinced a large number of students to put the name “Heywood Jablome” in the school raffle and when the principal read the name in the gym, we all screamed for five straight minutes. Everyone got a detention. That’s how Twitter feels now.
I want to remind you that statues aren’t history books and that taking one down isn’t erasing history. It’s more like finally taking a Sublime poster off your wall. It’s over. Let’s move on.
The funniest thing about the new Joker trailer is that if I saw a bunch of clowns wreaking havoc in the NYC subway, my first reaction would be “ugh. I guess there’s some fucking clown thing today.”
It’s time to come clean. I moved out of NYC six months ago because of the massive crime wave: landlords conspiring to charge everyone $4,000 for a 1-bedroom.
Every photo of Matt Gaetz looks like Jack Nicholson as the Joker when he puts on regular foundation.
Big freelance gig came in. $200 to "write a new script that's something like this?" Attached was the Parks And Rec pilot.
Can you imagine being so famous, you don’t even need your name on the poster? Congrats to Tina Turner
As another COVID surge hits this country, I beg of you not to write pieces blaming 20-year-olds who would like to see their friends since nearly every problem we're experiencing is a result of this country being run by 70-year-old ghouls and their constituents who are even older.
If people in Virginia are mad about kids learning Arabic letters, they're going to be pissed when they find out where numbers came from.
President Trump referenced the horrible incident in Sweden last night. Here's a photo of the chaos:
An ex used to text me “Fuck you” if I didn’t reply fast enough to a message. It always made me feel horrible. I’d be coming out of a movie with friends, I’d look at my phone, and my day would be ruined. Anyway, that’s the role Twitter plays in my life now.
I’m not arguing that an AR-15 isn’t fun to shoot but why do you need 5 in your living room? Go to a range. I love giraffes but there are rules about raising one in my yard. I have to go to a zoo whenever I want to fuck one.
Katie Rich should have never tweeted that joke. She should have said it on an Access Hollywood bus. Then no one would care.
Replying to
I actually looked up the story and I couldn’t believe it! My phone has a virus now
Replying to
NICK! NIIIICK! THEY’RE THE SAME COMPANY NICK!! THEY’RE GOING TO THINK YOU’RE DUMB, NICK! DELETE IT!!
Replying to
Fun little follow-up: The attached high school’s vice principal was more of a martinet and was called in to chastise us. Later that year she was arrested for crack possession. Ohio decides the balance of power in this country.
Greta Thunberg is going to be photographed somewhere eating Jerry’s pizza during Tate’s arraignment and I’m going to get the photo printed on a t-shirt
Sadly, the world is flat in the Game of Thrones universe, so Arya fell off the side of the planet. She is dead.
“A whole month”
Quote
I heard on the news we all need to be mentally prepared to stay home for a whole month if the coronavirus gets any worse. So... fingers crossed, I guess?
Jeff Sessions claims there's "real violence" caused by marijuana. Here's a photo of the horror:
Replying to
Remember when that dude told you he stopped voting because you told him the elections were rigged? That was funny.
Does Nate Silver know that none of us have had *one good day* in years?
Replying to
The sheriff has the voice of every person who opposed the Civil Rights Movement. Hope this clip haunts him the rest of his life.
Replying to
Thinking about sending back a PDF of the Breaking Bad pilot and seeing if they offer me a $20 bonus
Replying to
Same formation, slightly longer spears?
I’m sorry The New York Post made you scared of the subway, but a vote for Lee Zeldin is a vote to require funerals for unborn fetuses in New York. Have a nice day.
Dr. Phil said “people die from lung cancer and we don’t shut the country down for that” because he thinks lung cancer is contagious.
It’s crazy to me that people leave Yelp reviews for hiking trails. “If you like nature, I guess it’s OK. 3 stars.” or “TOOK MUSHROOMS HERE AND THEN SAW A ROCK THAT LOOKED LIKE MY EX’S FACE. DAY RUINED. BAD VIBES!! 0 STARS!!!”
Replying to
How about a trial separation? We put you on trial for supporting an insurrection and then separate you from your seat.
Replying to
There’s a quarry in Fallout 4 that references the flashing time travel episodes of Lost and if you go down the hole they’re drilling, in keeping with the plot of the show, there’s a mini nuke down there.
Replying to
"You're free to do it" = "I will make sure you're legally not free to do it."
“Stop playing politics with people’s lives” says man who let people a bunch of people get AIDS because it would look bad to give them clean needles. #VPDebate
So...ESPN's official stance is "white supremacy is fine please keep watching sports"?
Replying to
LOL. “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of Lysol??”
Replying to
Literally everyone on my feed says the site feels broken.
Continuing my own research on the mRNA vaccine by getting it three times and not suffering from severe COVID when I finally caught it. Will keep you updated.
10,000 cases in New York State (that we know of). At the beginning of the month there was one in NYC. One.
Please live AS IF YOU ALREADY HAVE IT. No more “if you’re sick, stay home” bullshit. You’re sick. Assume you’re spreading it to others until there’s an antibodies test.
“Then Jesus took the five loaves and the two fish and gave them to one guy who had just eaten, and said ‘I trust this guy to let some of the food trickle down to the rest of you.’”
Replying to
This seems very close to saying people with more land deserve more say in democracy.
Soooo... I'm guessing the White House leaked the returns. It makes Trump look like he paid a lot.
Replying to
Trying to get the hate speech numbers back up, I see.
The funniest crowdwork I saw do was when a guy in the front said he represents police officers in court and all Patton said was “best of luck” and moved on. Later in the set, mid-bit, you could hear sirens outside the theater. He turned to the guy: “Another client!”
Harry Potter is easy to watch bc every time something shows up, Hermione says "I'll tell you what that is." She's like a video game tutorial
Replying to
The glasses are not prescription. I can feel it
We’re cancelling a female comic and an entire comedy network over a minute of standup but that dude who jerks off in front of his colleagues deserves 10-15 more chances.
I once tagged Disney on Instagram pretending they had commissioned a weird drawing I made, and I was banned from all monetization on the platform for a year. Good luck, Ron!
In this country we stand for the national anthem, sit on our hands when it’s time to help the poor, and breathe coal. #SOTU
Replying to
I’m not sure who took the picture. It’s from a article. The don’t credit the photographers that I can see. I left the Getty imprint so you know it’s legit.
Good thing he didn’t say that!
I was checking to see if a burrito place near me had good reviews and the photos of the place look dingy and the food looks greasy and they serve it in styrofoam and when I clicked their website I got a 404 error. This is going to be the best food I’ve ever tasted.
Started calling physical bookstores “Brick & Morties” and people do not like it!
I picked up the new Bruce Springsteen memoir and it's just a mechanic’s repair manual for a 1972 Dodge Charger.
Mike Pence, pro-life hack, refused to even discuss an idea that could have saved lives.
Quote
Breaking News: The White House is said to have blocked a CDC effort to require face coverings on airplanes, trains, buses and in travel hubs. nyti.ms/36OgmWw
🏠🏠
💁🙇
🎉🎊💁😅🎉🎊
💑🙏🏻👄👀😍
💍💒👰
😍🍑🍆😍
😁😡⚔😫😲
😡😡🗡😬😵
🚔🚨🚔🚨🏃
💌💁⚗😴
📭😩⚗☠😵💀
🙎😑😐😕☹️😫🗡🗡🗡
💀💀💀💀💀
Romeo and Juliet #ruinshakespeare
Replying to
Is the dude saying “are you fucking kidding me?” ending his friendship with the beer-thrower? Or was he complaining about the show still?? I hope it’s the former
Quote
“OK, if we’re both not married by the time we’re 40, let’s make a pact that we’ll let the asteroid take us out.”
Quote
Asteroid could barrel into Earth on Valentine’s Day in 23 years: NASA trib.al/wAab5QE
Replying to
Do you get paid to be dead? If so, sounds like a pretty sweet deal
I give new people 3-5 minutes to impress me. I give new Netflix series 10-13 hours.
Jo and I were in Improv 101, and there was a senior citizen in the class who did not really get anything we were doing. I saw Jo on the street months later and she was on her way to the movies with that lady because they’d been “hanging out a lot.” This was in 2011. t.co/63CmKuJHWx
This post is unavailable.
Replying to
While you’re here: read Bill Bryson’s At Home. His writing is delightful and it will make you less bored while you make your salt and pepper shakers talk to each other. Order it from .
LOL. Remember when John McCain had to tell that sweet old lady that she was wrong about Obama being a Muslim? That was a cute election.
"The Left? More like The LeftOVERS once Jesus comes back and the holy are raptured." -great conservative comedy
Replying to
Hey, what do you think they want to charge though? I’m sorry to exaggerate but yesterday I thought landlords were sitting on 65,000 vacant rent-stabilized apartments but then I read today is that the number is 88,000. The joke is that this is the big crime in nyc. Hope this helps
Replying to
People replying to tell me they don’t like my ex a full 12 years after the relationship ended... what are you, all my close friends?? Thank you.
Good thing you’re not drawing attention to it. That might be bad for your image.
Convinced that most people don't actually like comedy. They like 3 comedians.
8 years ago, I made an appointment at my dentist and under “what do you wish to be called?” I wrote “The Chosen One” and forgot about it.
Today, I overheard the receptionist say: “Please let the doctor know The Chosen One is here.” They’ve been using it this whole time.
The last time a Top Gun movie was in theaters, Air Force enlistment went up 500%. No one thinks they’re going to be Goose! That’s what’s wrong with dudes.
If you see a beer on tap in NYC named after the bar itself, buddy, you’re about to drink a $7 Pabst.
What a lot of Bernie Bros don’t realize is that my father died from paying a little more in taxes.
Ah, yes. The Shaggy “Wasn’t Me” Defense. The best defense I’ve seen so far.
Quote
Replying to @SecNielsen
We do not have a policy of separating families at the border. Period.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man,
Does whatever a spider can.
Crawls in your shower and watches you.
Only lives for a year or two.
Replying to
Did you fix the bug where people are allowed to ask you questions?
I miss the good old days when political demographics were “Soccer Moms” and “NASCAR Dads” instead of “White Supremacist Bunker Survivalists” and “Nazi Bikers Who Used to Freelance at Infowars.”
Give it back. #LegalizeNY
Quote
Two Large Marijuana arrests this week. Say no to drugs!!! @NYPDBklynSouth @NYPDnews @NYPDShea
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman." = "I got a blowjob."
"NO COLLUSION!" = "I gave Putin a blowjob."
Replying to
Want to hear more stories like this? Buddy, you’re in luck:
Quote
Hi, friends. I'm recording an album on Thursday, December 8th @QEDAstoria. If you enjoy comedy, you will enjoy this show. If you don't enjoy comedy, you'll still probably enjoy it. Either way, I'd love to see you there.
Tickets: qedastoria.com/products/dan-w
Marie Kondo made us throw out all our shit right before we got stuck at home forever.
Replying to
How did they know that planes would be the size of continents and could fly in space. 🤔
Replying to
I got into a bit of a tiff with a certain someone a few years ago...
When I’m near the end of a bottle of body wash, I can make a few drops miraculously last for 8 showers like it’s Menorah oil, then when I start a new bottle I’m doing full squeezes like it’s never going to run out. Anyway, this is the same way I am with money.
I rewatched 8 Mile and even though “Lose Yourself” says you only get one shot, in the movie he gets like 4-5 shots.
They’ve all become the dog that caught the car
Quote
Dudes who mistake kindness for flirting do so because they can't imagine being nice to anyone they don't want to have sex with.