7/ Lately, "what's next" has been whatever looked interesting to pursue. I guess I'm okay with this for now. I don't know what else I should be doing or would want to be doing. A friend told me once I'm at my best when I have a dragon to slay, but I'm not sure I want to pick one.
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8/ I'm watching my friends move on with their lives too. It's interesting to see that. Some are more settled than others. Some are more satisfied with their situation than others. Some of the ways those lives have turned out so far have surprised me.
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9/ One of my dearest friends is about to have his first child, and I'm so happy for him. He's wanted a family for a very long time. His wife is amazing. I think they're going to be great parents. It's very, very good. I'm a little bit jealous, too. This surprises me.
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10/ Twice I've tried so, so hard to make a marriage and a stable, happy family situation last, and twice it just hasn't worked out. I've never been sure if I've wanted a family or not. Neither of the people I was with would have been the right situation for that.
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11/ But there's more to it too. I don't talk about this very much because it's so intensely personal, but one of the things about being transgender (especially in MtF situations) is that you willingly choose not to have kids if you haven't already (barring some options).
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12/ This is a very big thing to give up. I don't have regrets about it. I made my decisions with my eyes open and it was a conscious choice. This isn't me wishing I would have had kids at some point. But no matter how successful your transition, you can't get pregnant. No kids.
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13/ I wonder sometimes how much easier things might have been if everything about my relationship with my husband had been the same, but I had been cis. If his family could have accepted me, if I would have been able to have his kids. I think we would have been great parents.
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14/ Yeah, I know. I'm into girls. But also, not like... totally. And how much of that is my gender identity stuff? And how much of that could be flexible if other circumstances worked out differently? I don't know. It's so complicated. And it's sad.
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15/ It feels like there's this whole sphere of life that's barred to me, and I try not to feel bad about it. There's not much point. Why wish for what you can't have, right? I didn't want to have kids as a man. I think I'd be happy to have children as a woman if that were open.
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16/ It feels really embarrassing to talk about this for some reason. I just kinda wanted to get it off my chest. It's like I feel ashamed of wanting this totally normal thing... like I should be embarrassed about it. But that's silly. It IS sad.
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