1/ Some thoughts on the protests, rioting, police, BLM, and the events of the last few days. I’ve been kind of quiet on social media about all of this other than to express my dislike of violent clashes in general. It makes me very very anxious.
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2/ Also, I feel a lot of anxiety that my silence about this might be misinterpreted. Just add it to my neuroses. But it really just makes me scared for everyone. I don’t like to see anyone be hurt. Black lives matter. Trans lives matter. Power tends to wield itself carelessly.
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3/ My personal strategy when I feel threatened is always avoidance first. I bluff hard, hide, cut and run, conceal power level, and if I have no other option I hit as hard as I can the first time I do. I don’t trust anyone to protect me.
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4/ I think this is why all of this makes me so uneasy. I think police do tend to use overwhelming, unnecessary force. I understand why they feel justified in doing so and protecting one another. I hate it and wish it were different.
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5/ I don’t feel like any amount of protesting will actually change that though. So mass movements also make me feel uncomfortable because they’re so unpredictable. Even now I feel a strong social pull to signal that I’m with all of my friends who are angry. But that scares me.
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6/ I remember when I was in high school and 9/11 happened. I had a gym teacher I really liked. She was great. We were friends. When everyone was getting hype on the Iraq war and I was quiet she asked me why I wasn’t being supportive.
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7/ I explained that I didn’t like how quickly we were moving toward violence and I didn’t think it was the right response and I wasn’t going to get angry and vocally support a course of action I didn’t know was right. I remember her look of disgust as she shook her head.
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8/ I tend to model out possible futures for different events reflexively. I’ve talked about this before. This is where my anxiety comes from: looking a few steps ahead. I don’t like most of the likely outcomes of anything happening right now. I think the anger is justified.
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9/ But I’m scared for myself and my family and my country and everyone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want police to hurt people. I don’t want a civil war. I don’t want an authoritarian country or a civil/military conflict. I don’t want people to have to live in fear.
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10/ I don’t see how going downtown to Portland to get tear gassed helps police be less violent. I don’t see how adding a black square to my Instagram helps people of color not be murdered. I don’t think anyone is really looking to me for comments on this.
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