women have never offered me any kind of help but I very much do not trust them so I am willing to chalk that up to my mad unapproachable vibes and not assume women literally can’t be my friends.
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what I’m trying to say is I have been doing this all by myself because everyone else fucking terrifies me
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I probably need some help creating a vision of what real health looks like. I probably need to let other people in more to move forward. my alien princess antics are not cutting it, I need to stop performing closeness and let it feel real to me sometimes.
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faith has been between me and Reality and it’s been hard to fully trust other people to even exist much less to be good; it’s been hard to trust people are real and I’m not just having some very long sort of nightmare especially when on occasion nightmare people do visit me here
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I want to know it’s possible to see you all better than this. I am delusional but I can see the delusion distorting everything like I am seeing through an oil slick. I can feel it in the tension, a sort of queasy smallness I recognize as a feeling that hangs out w falseness
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there’s a bigger brighter crisper feeling that hangs out w truthier stuff & if I invoke it I feel the solidness to other bodies, I can feel the life in other minds, I feel the parts that I call my”self” that are actually v much shared b/w myself and important people in my life
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The bigger brighter crisper feeling also sees people with good intentions incl me. It doesn’t have to blame me to forgive everyone who hurt me. It doesn’t have to do mental gymnastics to sort out whether someone is trying to help me or hurt me (uh oh have I been paranoid? oh no)
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this part is on my edge & it’s hard to look at but through cracks in my fingertips I think I can see that the bigger brighter crisper feeling is less firmly inside time space than I am & it knows I do get through this & it could show me but I for some reason fear that intensely.
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this is my next step. there is a vision, it’s waiting for me to feel strong & worthy enough to see it. if I can experiment w low stakes opportunities to genuinely feel mutual closeness & poke around in my unworthiness a bit it will break through. I’m good. I’m ok. This works out.
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*happy sigh* I feel much better, thanks for your moral support everyone. some journaling sessions are too scary for just me and Roam; thanks for helping me feel safe in exploring my own emotions
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