It twists me up to watch it back in my memory. I turn to my boyfriend and say “maybe I could try that tantric meditation again” and within seconds I am sure *he’s trying to hurt me* (he literally did absolutely nothing triggering, I am just this afraid of meditating).
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in ten minutes I am sobbing hard, in half an hour I’m disgusting and naked and crushing myself around a bucket I am screaming and screaming and screaming and sometimes gagging but mostly screaming into, in two hours all that exists is me, catatonic, and the bottom of my bathtub.
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when you get to the numb place where fight/flight are gone and everything has frozen you thaw back out through more panic so in another hour I try not to take it out on myself but it takes all my focus, I still hit, leave bruises. I stomped my foot so hard I’m limping now lol.
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I eventually find something true in my head and use it to reorient myself & come out of the hell space. This time it was the realization that I’ve never firmly expressed to myself the belief that a full & functional recovery from whatever c-ptsd/ptsd I have is possible
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I was not doing awesome socially or emotionally before I got into the rough relationship that I like to let dominate in the narrative of my life. I want so badly to heal and especially to genuinely trust deeply again.
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he had been the only person I had really trusted ever, I had a rough fit with my family of origin and I was very alienated and bullied all through school, and so I’ve withheld trust from myself since as punishment for what happened, as a punishment for letting myself get hurt
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and as much as I have wanted to recover and fought to feel better, I think there’s been this lingering belief that I am irreparable, that I was broken even before the violence and the violence brought my personality past some point of no return
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change takes two things- wanting it and knowing it’s possible and it has been really confusing and painful to be fighting and hurting in my recovery but I see now that I’ve been pushing extremely hard from the wanting to change side w/o supporting myself w salient possibilities
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it um hurts a lot. it hurts to go to the “it’s possible side”. this is just alive rn so idk why it’s like this yet. I guess it’s gentler in a way that is paradoxically sharply painful. I feel a tremendous amount of shame and the urge to try to cut it out of myself is oppressive.
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I actually don’t know any women who have had an abusive relationship and got through it and repaired their capacity to robustly feel trust and intimacy. *heavy sigh* women did not treat me well growing up and they v much made it worse for me when I was enduring violence from men
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Replying to @DanielleFong
so sorry I know this is such a bummer I will do a really funny clown bit for everybody later so promise
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Replying to @maltybegray
oh, no, actually I feel you, not bummed out just sharing a little bit of my heart via resonance. it is hard! abuse is very hard.
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