30/ Because honestly I was in an executive role and that woman probably would have appreciated the support of having me be a little more visible The trans people at the office all knew I was trans, I'm certain But I'm a coward
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31/ And honestly that would have made things very hard for me at that job AND at my next job because of the lack of emotional sensitivity in the executive suite and the kind of conservative bent of the place I was working... I mean I think the CTO was somewhat representative
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32/ And the thing is that even though I've been very fortunate in my personal life both work and online have not felt like safe spaces to be myself for me I just don't want people to be mean to me ever I'm very nice
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33/ Years ago I was doing a Twitch stream to promote a book I'd written and I thought it would just be a fun stunt for my fans to watch me play a game that had inspired some of my writing It was really fun for the first six hours and I had like 30-50 people hanging in channel
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34/ I didn't say I was trans but I didn't say I was cis either--I just didn't bring it up and had fun joking around with the fans and playing my game. I LOVED it. And then a couple of assholes popped into the channel one day
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35/ They said some really shitty things to me that hurt my feelings a lot but the one that really sticks with me and will probably always stick with me a little was, "You almost had me fooled, but I can hear the balls in your voice"
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36/ My husband was livid because these jerks came into my playground and were just being mean because they could But for me it just triggered all my shame. I remember feeling like I should have expected this, and not only that, that I deserved it.
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37/ I think someone also said something about being a clown and how I should go back to the circus with the rest of the freaks I was so embarrassed and felt so awful I didn't even know what to say
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38/ I was just trying to have some fun playing a game I liked and connect with people I remember I was just being chatty and warm like I usually am when the messages popped up on screen and totally derailed my thought process I paused mid-sentence and just stared at them
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39/ It was like getting hit by a lightning bolt with 25 years of emotional weight behind it I started crying and just turned off the Twitch stream without even saying goodbye to everyone else And that was the end of my Twitch career
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Yeah I had a similar experience but it included journalists (almost!) killing my company. It suuuux.
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