I'd scored well (above the mean) for nearly all assignments in the course, but fumbled on one near the end. around that time I was heavily involved in campus organizing around the student worker strike, and had a myriad of other unexpected obstacles and responsibilities
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I didn't manage my time as well as I should have for that assignment, and I admitted that to him. but this bifurcation between "good students" and "great students" based on his perception of "hard work" was incredibly unfair and inaccurate
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I work two jobs on campus, totaling at least 18.5 hours per week. I'm involved in several student organizations and organizing efforts to make the campus safer and livable. I do original research on how to solve big structural political and civic engagement problems.
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so to insinuate that I don't work as hard as other students because of my grade on one assignment is hurtful and irresponsible. I've long felt excluded in that department, because there is a dearth of both representation of and understanding for people with backgrounds like mine
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he suggested I form study groups. I've tried. in the past students have assumed that my answers were untrustworthy and ignored my input. they've made me feel worthless. I have no friends in the department either, not for lack of trying
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the same students he lauds as "great" and "talented" literally work in groups of 10 on problem sets. I often work alone. again, not for lack of trying.
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I love the material. I really do. I teach it, in two classes within the department, in part because of that, and because I want students like me to see that it's possible to succeed
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but damn, as I sat outside the CS building crying in the cold I really had to rethink that framework
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regardless, there must be grace. I hold space for the plausibility of him not intending to hurt me with that comment, or even knowing about my struggle, in the specific, general, and theoretical senses. I otherwise love his teaching and he did listen to me in that conversation
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it's my last semester, and I have two more CS/Stat classes. I rebuke defeat, so here's to working hard
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Hey, You have energy inside you that others may find unfathomable. Dig in, you’ve got what it takes. You’ve got this.
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