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If you pay me $50 I'll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.
my venmo is dana-schwartz-11 I will need the money deposited in advanced, and your obituary will need to be published in a newspaper so I can write a code on the back and leave it at your grave for someone to find. the code will be nonsense.
EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO FIND A VINTAGE CIGARETTE HOLDER STAT. I HAVE A FUNERAL TO MOROSELY GAZE UPON.pic.twitter.com/hOeQcSggdX
people venmoing me: jokes on you, I'm actually coming to your funeral.
If you promise to dab your cheeks from time to time with a black lace handkerchief you’ve got a deal.
Oh that was a given
ok don't actually venmo me you guys, just buy my bookhttps://www.amazon.com/Choose-Your-Disaster-Dana-Schwartz/dp/1478970391 …
Eat a corndog while you’re there and I’ll throw in an extra 10 bucks
*spills mustard on my impeccable black suit*
Okay but could you glare at the other woman I hired with the red umbrella from across the street?
Holy shit can I attend for free? I want to see this go down!
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