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DanaSchwartzzz's profile
Dana Schwartz
Dana Schwartz
Dana Schwartz
Verified account
@DanaSchwartzzz

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Dana SchwartzVerified account

@DanaSchwartzzz

Correspondent @EW. Author of AND WE'RE OFF and CHOOSE YOUR OWN DISASTER. See also: @GuyInYourMFA, @DystopianYA

Los Angeles, CA
amazon.com/Choose-Your-Di…
Joined July 2011

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    Dana Schwartz‏Verified account @DanaSchwartzzz Jan 3

    If you pay me $50 I'll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.

    10:06 am - 3 Jan 2019
    • 78,595 Retweets
    • 412,662 Likes
    • James Downes Anne Mansella Ken Thompson burje Chlo Courtney 🛸 Diane Mohit_kr Samantha
    3,096 replies . 78,595 retweets 412,662 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Dana Schwartz‏Verified account @DanaSchwartzzz Jan 3

        my venmo is dana-schwartz-11 I will need the money deposited in advanced, and your obituary will need to be published in a newspaper so I can write a code on the back and leave it at your grave for someone to find. the code will be nonsense.

        67 replies . 346 retweets 7,835 likes
        Show this thread
      3. Dana Schwartz‏Verified account @DanaSchwartzzz Jan 3

        EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO FIND A VINTAGE CIGARETTE HOLDER STAT. I HAVE A FUNERAL TO MOROSELY GAZE UPON.pic.twitter.com/hOeQcSggdX

        56 replies . 299 retweets 9,306 likes
        Show this thread
      4. Dana Schwartz‏Verified account @DanaSchwartzzz Jan 3

        people venmoing me: jokes on you, I'm actually coming to your funeral.

        79 replies . 231 retweets 9,837 likes
        Show this thread
      5. End of conversation
      1. Dana Schwartz‏Verified account @DanaSchwartzzz 20h20 hours ago

        ok don't actually venmo me you guys, just buy my bookhttps://www.amazon.com/Choose-Your-Disaster-Dana-Schwartz/dp/1478970391 …

        27 replies . 26 retweets 930 likes
        Show this thread
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      1. New conversation
      2. milan motavar‏ @milanmmotavar 6h6 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        I will pay you $50 if you show up on my birthday but stand really far away, holding a bouquet of flowers and gifts 🎁, so that my wife👩🏼 think I am still in the race.

        3 replies . 12 retweets 187 likes
      3. Terry Welch‏ @tkw5502 2h2 hours ago
        Replying to @milanmmotavar @DanaSchwartzzz

        Funeral to follow 😀

        1 reply . 1 retweet 128 likes
      4. 1 more reply
      1. Matt M‏ @MattM071 4h4 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        Ummmmm.... I'll pay you $50 to do exactly this. Add this on top of slowly playing the music to a jack in the box the entire time my casket is closed and its gonna be one hell of a funeral 💪

        0 replies . 0 retweets 16 likes
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      1. Ned‏ @gr8ful_ned 3h3 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        Dana, could you visit me in a nursing home and/or a dementia ward in a grim reaper’s outfit carrying a scythe, in about 30 years?

        0 replies . 2 retweets 7 likes
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      1. Amen Zine‏ @Amen_Zine 6h6 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        pic.twitter.com/v5Ngix0VBC

        0 replies . 0 retweets 8 likes
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      1. Kasey Posa‏ @Kasey_Posa 2h2 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        pic.twitter.com/Buk2YXpTLl

        0 replies . 1 retweet 6 likes
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      1. TrenchCoat4Hire‏ @TrenchCoat4Hire 7h7 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        For $80 can you also silently dab away tears from behind a pair of large dark sunglasses?

        0 replies . 0 retweets 28 likes
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      1. Aksu‏ @Aksu09845728 6h6 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        Do not forget sunglasses!

        0 replies . 0 retweets 16 likes
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      1. Kathleen McGurl‏ @KathMcGurl 5h5 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        There was someone like that at the last funeral I attended. Your business is obviously doing well.

        0 replies . 0 retweets 15 likes
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      1. New conversation
      2. Rich Green‏ @RichG25188 6h6 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        I’d say that’s cheap, you’ll incur some heavy travel expenses, would I be invoiced for those? And the ware & tear on the umbrella?

        2 replies . 0 retweets 26 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. MOOSE STOOBINGS‏ @MooseStoobings 2h2 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        I'll pay you a 100 to show up to my wedding and ruin it Time the entry and show up when "speak now"is announced #ColdFeet🤣

        0 replies . 0 retweets 8 likes
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      1. New conversation
      2. Lyn 🌻‏ @SupremeLynn 5h5 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz

        I almost put this on FB then remembered my aunt just died, my family would whoop my ass

        4 replies . 0 retweets 26 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. New conversation
      2. the jollyness has worn off‏ @clendeninjon 6h6 hours ago
        Replying to @DanaSchwartzzz @Takahata101

        Can you disguise yourself as me and smoke a cigarette as you stand a row or 2 away from my funeral while you look at it go on so people think I faxed my death

        1 reply . 0 retweets 4 likes
      3. Yolanda Deneen Hyman‏ @Yoli0669 57m57 minutes ago
        Replying to @clendeninjon @DanaSchwartzzz @Takahata101

        Faster if you just text it. Sorry... had to. 🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🙏🏽Pray for me! 😬🤗

        0 replies . 0 retweets 1 like
      4. End of conversation

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