I used to spend a lot of time on the "OneY" and "OKCupid" subreddits, and this exchange happened multiple times: "I'm sad because I'm single" "Yeah, dating can be really hard on your self-esteem" "Totally! Because women are shallow bitches who only fuck Chads"
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The sense of entitlement to women's sexuality that is so commonplace among men/boys almost always immediately turns any attempt at sympathy into a "debate" over whether or not women are to blame for their problems.
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The result is that the only place where these men/boys get both comfort AND acceptance of their shitty ideas is among toxic misogynists. Which just pushes them further away from the women whose acceptance they clearly crave.
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Because for many/most/all of these "incel" guys, what they're missing isn't the sex per se. It's feeling desired and accepted and admired. Which is why when they DO get into relationships they fuck them up - sex on its own doesn't satisfy their needs.
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The typical vocal "incel", in my experience, is a guy who typically doesn't have strong friendships, and isn't generally socially accepted. And he believes (wrongly) that a sexual relationship is the solution to both his insecurities and his social isolation.
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He blames women for 'gatekeeping' the sexual relationships he 'needs' to feel like a successful man. Disabusing him of these ideas is made harder by the fact that he demands sympathy from others yet extends none to the women who have "wronged" him
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Engaging with these men/boys is the responsibility of male feminists, because while we will be ANNOYED by "incels", we will escape the most toxic and dangerous parts of their tantrums by virtue of our gender.
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But it's often like banging your head against a wall of motivated reasoning and bitterness. It's hard to extend sympathy to someone who's so twisted up in their own hatred and self-loathing. I don't know how helpful it is to engage with people like that.
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I think the ultimate answer is for men to have more emotionally intimate relationships, with each other and with women, so we have people besides our romantic partners to turn to. Otherwise perpetually single men will have NOBODY, and that's dangerous.
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"Incel" spaces provide a poor facsimile for real friendships - you get sympathy and acceptance. But only if you hate who they hate, which includes yourself. That's not friendship, that's a cult.
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But I think back to who I would have listened to when I was in my early 20s and bitter about being foreveralone. It probably wouldn't have been a guy like me. Or maybe it would have. I honestly don't know.
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There's already a place for men who desire sex but don't like women. It's called a bathhouse. Incels just aren't using the resources available to them.
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