"You can look trans and still be beautiful!" I absolutely believe this about every trans woman. Except me.
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Different people experience their gender in different ways. To some people it's a feeling they have about themselves. But to me, that's not enough, that's only the very beginning.
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There's a meme from one of my 2016 vids that's been circulating lately: "I look inside myself and ask: 'Do I feel like a man or a woman?' And the answer is I feel like shit." Well, that's still kind of true.
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Because to me "feeling like a woman" isn't just a matter of private conviction. It's also a matter of how I live, how I'm perceived, how other people interact with me. So it's not just how I feel about myself; everyone around me is also involved in this.
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Which means that I don't just want to feel like a woman. I want to look, sound, smell (HRT is great for that actually, don't tell the cis) like a woman. Maybe this is internalized transphobia that I need to work on but fuck it here it is: I want to look female.
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And the "black pill" is that if you started transitioning as a 6'1" 28-year-old AMAB, looking female is very difficult. But it's a goal I've been pursuing pretty much constantly, which involves obsessively trying to discover the truth about how I'm doing.
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And discovering the truth is very, very difficult. In part because there is no truth. Or rather, there's a million different truths because different people perceive you differently.
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I get very mixed feedback on how well I pass. On the one hand, a lot of trans people tell me "you pass 100% 10/10 A+ mission accomplished, perfect." And I have had the experience of meeting cis people who didn't realize I was trans until I mentioned it.
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On the other hand, when I describe the experience of passing to some cis people, they look at me with what I take to be a mixture of confusion and pity. This is especially true of cis people who knew me before I transitioned. & I sometimes get unambiguously clocked by strangers.
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Replying to @ContraPoints
i have one friend left from pre-transition. one.
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