YouTuber, ex-philosopher 
Business email: info@contrapoints.com
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"Is everyone just patronizing me? Are all compliments lies?" "Is this just a hugbox where whatever makes trans women feel good must be true?" This sends me into a death spiral where I distrust all positive feedback and only what hurts seems real.
This is how you end up reading threads about yourself on 4chan/lgbt at 2am with a bottle of gin and just reveling in the masochistic glory of being called an AGP hon by other self-loathing trans women who screech at each other about being AGP hons all day.
This is very bad, of course. It's sadsacks externalizing their own self-loathing, and it's not the truth anymore than the cushiest hugbox is the truth. It's—what's the opposite of a hugbox? An iron maiden. But it feels like truth when you hate yourself.
At the end of the day what you really need is a sharp-tongued though compassionate gay, or an experienced trans mom to take an interest in you, and give unflinching though constructive feedback. That's what actually helps.
Anyway, probably this is all going to end in a lot of cosmetic surgery. But before doing that you want to be able to tell the difference between dysphoria about what you look like and dysmorphia about what you fear you look like.
And seeing as the feedback is mixed and I don't trust my own perception, I don't know how I'm supposed to figure that out. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
breathe, and therapy is really great for this stuff. for rn tho if you're in need of validation. I validate you, these are valid feelings, you are valid feeling the feels.
I'm very sorry that you are feeling like this. I know online praise and re-assurances don't feel like the real thing, I know that us fans only know your online persona. But we do care for you and want you to be happy. I hope that you will achieve all your goals and dreams.
Virtual self-harm I recognize and relate to extremely well.
so many hons they turn into a French stereotype
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