YouTuber, ex-philosopher 
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Sometimes I'll make a complaint like "I sound like a man in that video." And some well-meaning person will say: "well you're a woman so any way you talk is womanly!" And my heart sinks and I'll think: "The fuck? Is my beard shadow womanly beard shadow?"
"Is everyone just patronizing me? Are all compliments lies?" "Is this just a hugbox where whatever makes trans women feel good must be true?" This sends me into a death spiral where I distrust all positive feedback and only what hurts seems real.
This is how you end up reading threads about yourself on 4chan/lgbt at 2am with a bottle of gin and just reveling in the masochistic glory of being called an AGP hon by other self-loathing trans women who screech at each other about being AGP hons all day.
This is very bad, of course. It's sadsacks externalizing their own self-loathing, and it's not the truth anymore than the cushiest hugbox is the truth. It's—what's the opposite of a hugbox? An iron maiden. But it feels like truth when you hate yourself.
At the end of the day what you really need is a sharp-tongued though compassionate gay, or an experienced trans mom to take an interest in you, and give unflinching though constructive feedback. That's what actually helps.
Anyway, probably this is all going to end in a lot of cosmetic surgery. But before doing that you want to be able to tell the difference between dysphoria about what you look like and dysmorphia about what you fear you look like.
And seeing as the feedback is mixed and I don't trust my own perception, I don't know how I'm supposed to figure that out. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
@quinsibell likes living with me cos i do tend to give honest feedback, so she can believe the praise, but that only works with people you're close to in long term relationships...
It also helps that your negative feedback is usually too hilarious to take badly.
Yikes, that sounds really rough. But with that kinda reasoning you can't trust anything, which sounds really unhealthy. I think at some point you just have to trust other people. Or only listen to people who you really trust.
It’s not charity, a « hugbox » is not pity given by the powerful to the weak as a gesture of self aggrandizement. After years of trying to beat myself up into conventionally accepted shape it is an act of active reappropriation of the means of meaning and value
Life drawing has taught me many things including how to look at some things, because when you look at someone for long enough and try to find what you love about the way lines falls, the shades in a skin, you own another way of seeing that revolutionize everything
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