𝓝𝓪𝓽𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓮 𝓦𝔂𝓷𝓷  💎

Well, about that. As I've made progress toward assimilation into a female social role, every aspect of me that isn't female has become a source of pain.

I look back on the "Gender Dysphoria" video I made last year and I think: You goddamn dilettante. You have no idea how bad this is gonna get.

"You can look trans and still be beautiful!" I absolutely believe this about every trans woman. Except me.

Different people experience their gender in different ways. To some people it's a feeling they have about themselves. But to me, that's not enough, that's only the very beginning.

There's a meme from one of my 2016 vids that's been circulating lately: "I look inside myself and ask: 'Do I feel like a man or a woman?' And the answer is I feel like shit." Well, that's still kind of true.

Because to me "feeling like a woman" isn't just a matter of private conviction. It's also a matter of how I live, how I'm perceived, how other people interact with me. So it's not just how I feel about myself; everyone around me is also involved in this.

Which means that I don't just want to feel like a woman. I want to look, sound, smell (HRT is great for that actually, don't tell the cis) like a woman. Maybe this is internalized transphobia that I need to work on but fuck it here it is: I want to look female.

And the "black pill" is that if you started transitioning as a 6'1" 28-year-old AMAB, looking female is very difficult. But it's a goal I've been pursuing pretty much constantly, which involves obsessively trying to discover the truth about how I'm doing.

And discovering the truth is very, very difficult. In part because there is no truth. Or rather, there's a million different truths because different people perceive you differently.

I get very mixed feedback on how well I pass. On the one hand, a lot of trans people tell me "you pass 100% 10/10 A+ mission accomplished, perfect." And I have had the experience of meeting cis people who didn't realize I was trans until I mentioned it.

On the other hand, when I describe the experience of passing to some cis people, they look at me with what I take to be a mixture of confusion and pity. This is especially true of cis people who knew me before I transitioned. & I sometimes get unambiguously clocked by strangers.

And when you get mixed feedback, the pessimistic outlook tends to dominate. If some people say I look great and some people say I look like a man, I'm emotionally going to conclude that I look like a man and the people who say I look good are simply patronizing me.

Online praise is especially flimsy. If you know me online you only know what I look like with a lot of makeup, from the right angles, in the right lighting, from the selection of pictures & videos I curate. You don't know what I look at in the mirror first thing in the morning.

Like a lot of trans people, I rely for psychological sustenance on positive feedback from other trans people. And there are a lot of great spaces online where everyone is full of love and praise for everyone else. And mostly that's good. But it can be undermined horribly.

Sometimes I'll make a complaint like "I sound like a man in that video." And some well-meaning person will say: "well you're a woman so any way you talk is womanly!" And my heart sinks and I'll think: "The fuck? Is my beard shadow womanly beard shadow?"

"Is everyone just patronizing me? Are all compliments lies?" "Is this just a hugbox where whatever makes trans women feel good must be true?" This sends me into a death spiral where I distrust all positive feedback and only what hurts seems real.

This is how you end up reading threads about yourself on 4chan/lgbt at 2am with a bottle of gin and just reveling in the masochistic glory of being called an AGP hon by other self-loathing trans women who screech at each other about being AGP hons all day.

This is very bad, of course. It's sadsacks externalizing their own self-loathing, and it's not the truth anymore than the cushiest hugbox is the truth. It's—what's the opposite of a hugbox? An iron maiden. But it feels like truth when you hate yourself.

At the end of the day what you really need is a sharp-tongued though compassionate gay, or an experienced trans mom to take an interest in you, and give unflinching though constructive feedback. That's what actually helps.

Anyway, probably this is all going to end in a lot of cosmetic surgery. But before doing that you want to be able to tell the difference between dysphoria about what you look like and dysmorphia about what you fear you look like.