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The purpose would be: 1. to pass better 2. to help with my own dysphoria 3. to be more hotter
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If I could wave a magic wand and be transformed into a cis woman would I do it? Intellectually: hm interesting question I'd have to think about that Emotionally: yes, of course, god yes
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The worry is this: if what I'm doing is trying to approximate cis womanhood then isn't the trajectory of the whole project doomed, since the best case scenario is an ongoing asymptotic approach to an unreachable goal? For that reason I hope that's not what I'm doing.
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I have a deep fear that dysphoria is a spiral of doom that I can never outrun. I look back at myself six months ago and think "God, how did I even make it through one day looking like that, sounding like that." In fact, my dysphoria was no worse then than it is now.
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Has my dysphoria been alleviated? In some significant ways, yes. But it also has an insidious way of returning in more sophisticated form. It's like a devil speaking: "Fine, so your skin is softer and your voice is higher. Well done. Too bad about that facial structure though..."
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So the question is: will cosmetic surgery actually help with this? Or is it just the next stage of this terrible arms race I'm waging against my own mind?
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this is such a big question as a trans person, and i've tried to just conceptualize it in the way that's most pragmatic-- i am not and never will be cis, and so making "be cis" a goal is impossible and therefore a moot point imho
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i guess conceptualizing transition as "emulating cis people" feels kind of like fitting a round peg into a square hole? at the end of the day i'm just doing XYZ body modifications in an effort to reach some kind of aesthetic goal, but those actions aren't always--
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Here's my rationale of this. I'm not doing this to approximate cisness. I'm doing it to alleviate my dysphoria. When I look at myself in the mirror, I'm happier but not completely happy. I'm doing it to feel correct, and to feel correct a few gendered things have to be changed.
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I'm not doing it for other people, I'm doing it so that I can live life without thinking about the parts that give me discomfort. As different parts of me become more congruent with my target gender expression I feel more and more comfortable.
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I don't think that's sufficient reason to doom the whole endeavor. Some of the best things we do are aspirational due to the ambiguity of life (ethics and artistic expression come to mind), but that doesn't make those practices worthless either.
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You have to have a two pronged approach. Work towards your goal as far as physical changes go as well as learning to accept yourself as transgender. You'll never be cis enough. But you can get to a point where you're comfortable with yourself and have coping skills for down times
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Hey, you’ll never be a ciswoman, but you will never be a cisman again! Maybe thinking of that will help
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