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I have conflicted feelings about having cosmetic surgery (facial feminization in particular), and didn't think I'd want it when I started transitioning, but lately I find myself thinking about it every day.
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Beneath the cosmetic fussing is a philosophical question about what being trans means to me. When I'm being absolutely honest with myself, I have to ask: deep down, don't I in fact wish I were a cis woman? (an impossible wish)
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Trans people usually like to think that by transitioning we are expressing some inherent inner truth—not imitating cis people. But what is it I'm trying to accomplish by changing my voice, clothes, endocrinology? Am I expressing what's already there or am I changing what's there?
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If I could wave a magic wand and be transformed into a cis woman would I do it? Intellectually: hm interesting question I'd have to think about that Emotionally: yes, of course, god yes
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The worry is this: if what I'm doing is trying to approximate cis womanhood then isn't the trajectory of the whole project doomed, since the best case scenario is an ongoing asymptotic approach to an unreachable goal? For that reason I hope that's not what I'm doing.
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I have a deep fear that dysphoria is a spiral of doom that I can never outrun. I look back at myself six months ago and think "God, how did I even make it through one day looking like that, sounding like that." In fact, my dysphoria was no worse then than it is now.
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Has my dysphoria been alleviated? In some significant ways, yes. But it also has an insidious way of returning in more sophisticated form. It's like a devil speaking: "Fine, so your skin is softer and your voice is higher. Well done. Too bad about that facial structure though..."
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So the question is: will cosmetic surgery actually help with this? Or is it just the next stage of this terrible arms race I'm waging against my own mind?
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In a way, I tend to think it is both. I'm not of the belief the brain would try so hard to fight to become something it didn't inherently believe it was. There is the *you*, and the expression of *you* from which u see yourself. The latter are but the tools, some work, some chang
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I can only describe as artist- I know the human form, I know its contours and how to draw it as I see it. But there are times I HAVE to use the eraser to correct, bc something just isn't right. It *is* different from the feeling of "is it good enough?", any artist will say no
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I think we do in some way change what is there - in the end, we do chose who we are as a person in many ways. I'm not sure how much that applies to gender, but certainly in its expression and how we chose to go about it, it does.
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I certainly don't want to believe we're just entirely victims to it, but I've seen a lot of people excuse toxic behaviour with the notion of "it's just who I am", so I think it's important to hold yourself to cognitive/intellectually set standards, even on emotional subjects.
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I'd say it's both. Even if you don't subscribe to the "essential female" idea, obviously there's some "Platonic" sense of femaleness within us that we're trying to express; at the same time, we were born with male bodies that will *have* to change in order to express that.
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