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I have conflicted feelings about having cosmetic surgery (facial feminization in particular), and didn't think I'd want it when I started transitioning, but lately I find myself thinking about it every day.
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This is particularly a worry since I'm a fairly public and visible trans person. Shouldn't I be proud to be trans? Shouldn't I be modeling trans-positive thinking and behavior?
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Beneath the cosmetic fussing is a philosophical question about what being trans means to me. When I'm being absolutely honest with myself, I have to ask: deep down, don't I in fact wish I were a cis woman? (an impossible wish)
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Trans people usually like to think that by transitioning we are expressing some inherent inner truth—not imitating cis people. But what is it I'm trying to accomplish by changing my voice, clothes, endocrinology? Am I expressing what's already there or am I changing what's there?
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If I could wave a magic wand and be transformed into a cis woman would I do it? Intellectually: hm interesting question I'd have to think about that Emotionally: yes, of course, god yes
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The worry is this: if what I'm doing is trying to approximate cis womanhood then isn't the trajectory of the whole project doomed, since the best case scenario is an ongoing asymptotic approach to an unreachable goal? For that reason I hope that's not what I'm doing.
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I have a deep fear that dysphoria is a spiral of doom that I can never outrun. I look back at myself six months ago and think "God, how did I even make it through one day looking like that, sounding like that." In fact, my dysphoria was no worse then than it is now.
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Has my dysphoria been alleviated? In some significant ways, yes. But it also has an insidious way of returning in more sophisticated form. It's like a devil speaking: "Fine, so your skin is softer and your voice is higher. Well done. Too bad about that facial structure though..."
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So the question is: will cosmetic surgery actually help with this? Or is it just the next stage of this terrible arms race I'm waging against my own mind?
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it's def ok to want to be cis, i think many (if not most) trans people have that wish at least some of the time. i've found that the longer i'm out as trans and the more secure i've felt in my gender the less i've wished to be cis (though i still do sometimes)
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but being trans can be so exhausting in terms of dealing w cis people's reactions and expectations in such a cissexist society, so i don't think it's wrong or "betraying trans people" (not that that's what you said but) in the slightest to do things to alleviate that discomfort
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These are all very big questions and I wish I could do more than just ship off a set of 280 character replies. In the end, I think it might be necessary to come to terms with living with some "impossible wishes", so to speak.
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It's easy to go overboard with the notion of perpetual physical change and microadjustments once you realise transition is actually a valid option (i.e. "if I can be a girl, why can't I be any kind of girl I want to") - it's something I've had a lot of issue with, and see often.
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