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I initially thought that, because I'm not ashamed to be trans, it'd be no problem that my history living as a man is so public. I thought that because I'm honest and shun euphemism it wouldn't bother me. But it's not that simple.
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But I understand now the urge to do a hard reset of your life when you transition: leave the state, get a new job, get new friends, create a whole new social world around your correct gender.
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I feel like a fugitive from my past gender, this nightmare always lurking behind me, potentially nullifying all my present experience.
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Of course that's not how I *should* feel, but when has human psychology ever abided by the way things *should* be?
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Why though? Why must it be a nullifying force? It's a history that's part of your story and struggle, and specified some of the challenges you now face, but doesn't define who you are now.
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you will struggle through this and emerge a wiser more powerful Contra. Bless you for all u do, thank you for all u share.
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I'm glad i'm not alone with that
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A huge part of this is the newness of it. It takes time. After a few years, when everyone is used to it (including you), it'll all gel.
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