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I initially thought that, because I'm not ashamed to be trans, it'd be no problem that my history living as a man is so public. I thought that because I'm honest and shun euphemism it wouldn't bother me. But it's not that simple.
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Every week that passes I feel more experiential and emotional distance from my past life as a man. And my whole lifetime of memories becomes jarringly alien to my present experience.
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Reminders of the past can be unpleasant. And I'm surrounded by them, in part because I'm lucky: I've kept most of my past friends, kept my career, etc.
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But I understand now the urge to do a hard reset of your life when you transition: leave the state, get a new job, get new friends, create a whole new social world around your correct gender.
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I feel like a fugitive from my past gender, this nightmare always lurking behind me, potentially nullifying all my present experience.
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Of course that's not how I *should* feel, but when has human psychology ever abided by the way things *should* be?
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End of conversation
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Oh, man. So much this. It's like living in the sarcophagus of your previous self, but less awesome Elvira imagery and more snap dysphoria.
Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
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