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I initially thought that, because I'm not ashamed to be trans, it'd be no problem that my history living as a man is so public. I thought that because I'm honest and shun euphemism it wouldn't bother me. But it's not that simple.
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It's probably great for the edification and curiosity of my audience that my pre-transition life is so well documented. But it's not so great for me.
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Every week that passes I feel more experiential and emotional distance from my past life as a man. And my whole lifetime of memories becomes jarringly alien to my present experience.
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Reminders of the past can be unpleasant. And I'm surrounded by them, in part because I'm lucky: I've kept most of my past friends, kept my career, etc.
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But I understand now the urge to do a hard reset of your life when you transition: leave the state, get a new job, get new friends, create a whole new social world around your correct gender.
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I feel like a fugitive from my past gender, this nightmare always lurking behind me, potentially nullifying all my present experience.
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Of course that's not how I *should* feel, but when has human psychology ever abided by the way things *should* be?
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End of conversation
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This is exactly what has happened to me. At first I thought I'd be fine having my male history out in the open, but more and more I don't identify with it at all and it bothers me a little that others connect me to it.
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That's a phenomenon called cognitive distancing, it's a part of social identity theory.
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Trans feels.
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If you didn't focus so much on social philosophy I'd almost want you to tackle Personhood, Identity, and Personal Identity in relation to metaphysics and praxis. But.... eh.
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This is one of the reasons I had chosen to drop my original channel StevRayBro, and I can't get the motivation to start over as the new.
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A shy idealistic boy named Brandon wasn't the whole story of me,but I figure he was a valid page and a good kid. Lizzie me doesn't resent that boy,just what the world would have made him if not for a woman's intervention. We each make peace in our own way.
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