𝓝𝓪𝓽𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓮 𝓦𝔂𝓷𝓷  💎

When I put it this way it sounds so transparently reckless and deranged. And other people in my life have been trying to warn me I was doing this for more than a year. But I haven't listened.

I have let real-life relations slip. I have neglected friends. I have destroyed a few relationships altogether. Because I am completely obsessed with my online life. This is bad.

And it's bad for my audience too. ESPECIALLY my trans audience. They see themselves in me, they identify with me, and then, when I fuck up (as they see it) I violate the illusion hideously and they feel used and deceived.

So what do I do about this? Well first of all I need to set up some goddamn boundaries. No more transition update streams. No more midnight whispers. No more intimate shit about my trans experience or any of that.

I need to leave the goddamn apartment and meet some real people, and make some friends. Not allies. I don't need any more goddamn allies. I need friends, you know, people who like me for me, and not just because we happen to be on the same team at this precise moment.

This is the best piece of advice I can give to aspiring YouTubers: your audience are not your friends. They are spectators. Their love is highly contingent. The moment you fuck up you're dead to them. They do not love you. They love an idea of you.

(This is the wise woman speaking who wised up twelve seconds ago.)

It's going to take a while for me to get over this breakup (with an imaginary partner). I'm going to have to slowly reinvest my emotional energy in other people, other networks.