𝓝𝓪𝓽𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓮 𝓦𝔂𝓷𝓷  💎

The last month has been very, very unhappy for me.

So I've been asking myself: how did this happen? How did I get to a point where I'm this emotionally vulnerable to the opinions of Internet strangers? (I swore never to let that happen when I started.) And how can those strangers feel "betrayed and traumatized" by me?

Well, I think a big part of the answer is pointed out in this till-now neglected thread, probably the most incisive criticism I've ever received on Twitter. https://twitter.com/radian2pi/status/927079183066521600 …

Essentially I have dropped my original ironic persona. I've recently been producing intensely personal and intimate content, especially on my live-stream channel: transition update streams, late-night ASMR whisper sessions, etc.

Many people succumb to the delusion that they are friends with their favorite content creators. I have succumbed to the reverse delusion: that my audience is my friend.

I have come to rely almost exclusively on my audience for emotional support. I confide to them the details of my transition. I rely on their approval for my own feelings of self-worth.

When I put it this way it sounds so transparently reckless and deranged. And other people in my life have been trying to warn me I was doing this for more than a year. But I haven't listened.

I have let real-life relations slip. I have neglected friends. I have destroyed a few relationships altogether. Because I am completely obsessed with my online life. This is bad.