𝓝𝓪𝓽𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓮 𝓦𝔂𝓷𝓷  💎

So I've been asking myself: how did this happen? How did I get to a point where I'm this emotionally vulnerable to the opinions of Internet strangers? (I swore never to let that happen when I started.) And how can those strangers feel "betrayed and traumatized" by me?

Well, I think a big part of the answer is pointed out in this till-now neglected thread, probably the most incisive criticism I've ever received on Twitter. https://twitter.com/radian2pi/status/927079183066521600 …

Essentially I have dropped my original ironic persona. I've recently been producing intensely personal and intimate content, especially on my live-stream channel: transition update streams, late-night ASMR whisper sessions, etc.

Many people succumb to the delusion that they are friends with their favorite content creators. I have succumbed to the reverse delusion: that my audience is my friend.

I have come to rely almost exclusively on my audience for emotional support. I confide to them the details of my transition. I rely on their approval for my own feelings of self-worth.

When I put it this way it sounds so transparently reckless and deranged. And other people in my life have been trying to warn me I was doing this for more than a year. But I haven't listened.

I have let real-life relations slip. I have neglected friends. I have destroyed a few relationships altogether. Because I am completely obsessed with my online life. This is bad.

And it's bad for my audience too. ESPECIALLY my trans audience. They see themselves in me, they identify with me, and then, when I fuck up (as they see it) I violate the illusion hideously and they feel used and deceived.

So what do I do about this? Well first of all I need to set up some goddamn boundaries. No more transition update streams. No more midnight whispers. No more intimate shit about my trans experience or any of that.

I need to leave the goddamn apartment and meet some real people, and make some friends. Not allies. I don't need any more goddamn allies. I need friends, you know, people who like me for me, and not just because we happen to be on the same team at this precise moment.

This is the best piece of advice I can give to aspiring YouTubers: your audience are not your friends. They are spectators. Their love is highly contingent. The moment you fuck up you're dead to them. They do not love you. They love an idea of you.

(This is the wise woman speaking who wised up twelve seconds ago.)

It's going to take a while for me to get over this breakup (with an imaginary partner). I'm going to have to slowly reinvest my emotional energy in other people, other networks.

And until I do that, I'm not agreeing to anymore goddamn debates. That's done. I'll do the Vancouver one, because I've agreed to that, and I'll do my damnedest to make the most of it. But no more after that. My heart can't take the backlash anymore.

If you're a conservative looking for someone to debate here's my advice: find some arrogant Ivy League cis guy with the emotional support of his debate club buddies. Put him on stage. This is not for me. I'm staying at home.