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To be a trans woman is to become a contestant in an extremely high-stakes beauty contest.
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And it's not just a matter of vanity or romantic eligibility—being fuckable is the key that grants you access to acceptance, public safety, even medical treatment.
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In my case the consensus seems to be that I'm at least sexually plausible. And isn't that just fuckin great for me. Well, yes. Yes it is. But the fact that it MATTERS so much also has a negative psychological effect.
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When I was filming last night I threw a big tantrum because I didn't look pretty enough, and I redid all my makeup and reshot a whole scene. This isn't the person I want to be. I should be above tantrums about makeup.
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But but because the stakes are so high, it's about more than just vanity and I sort of can't be above it. It sucks.
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Oh—and I'm not even complaining about the compliments from men. This is a brag, not a humble brag. They're complimenting me because they think it matters to me. And they're right. It matters a lot.
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End of conversation
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